A Second Sexual Revolution

A second sexual revolution?! Geez wasn’t one enough? Well, no. Certainly, thanks to Kinsey and other pioneering scientists we learned women can orgasm, several times in fact in one setting. We learned there is a spectrum of sexual orientation and gender identity. We learned how ridiculous it was to expect seven billion people to fit into one sexual mould with rigid gender roles. That would be just as unnatural and creepy as the entire world population all having the exact same creative talents or personalities. Most importantly, we began to refine and redefine what was morally acceptable or dysfunctional based on more informed, universal and humane benchmarks instead of asking a religious authority if it made God mad enough to bun we ass in hell.

We lost faith in that old method because it became apparent to many of us that it was a ruse. When it comes to dictating religious standards about sexuality, there is always leniency for the rich and powerful and Draconian measures for the poor and unrepresented. I can understand if you do not see the rat, but even the most avid believer in any organized religion must smell it by now.

So we began asking more important questions: Was the aspect of human sexuality in question harmful to the individual? Was it harmful to society, in particular children? Did it threaten the fundamental human rights (life, liberty, security, property) of anyone else? Suddenly a greater amount of sexual freedom became permissible. Some would argue it was a premature opening of Pandora’s Box. Others would argue it was a jolt back to reality, honesty and natural authenticity. For in their view the world that existed before the Sexual Revolution was unnatural, overly-controlled and detrimental to authentic happiness for many people who could not fit into the narrow gender and sexuality molds.

Fashion sensation Andrej Prejic is in his early twenties…yes I said HIS. He has not had any surgery. This is all him and he is considered one of the most beautiful examples of natural androgyny. He models both male and female clothes. We have thanks to more enlightened perimeters embraced the existence of gender diversity in our natural world. It hurts nobody, poses no threat to society, robs no one of their fundamental human rights.

Many of those who still feel inadequate, wronged, disempowered, scared, uncertain, confounded by human sexuality often hold it and the Revolution in contempt. Some accuse it of untethering us from the beliefs that confined and controlled our inherently fallen, evil-prone sexuality. For them, the training wheels or life-jacket is more important than learning how to master our balance, momentum and steering of our sexual lives. And gain the ability to swim, despite the weight of our animal inclinations and the turbulent sexual waters. They point to the fact that when the Sexual Revolution took off the training wheels and threw us in the deep end, there were casualties. They are right. Marriages ended. More children grew up without any comforting wool pulled over their eyes. Men saw an increase in sexual rejection by women, even by many who were supposed to be grateful for any attention at all. Insecurities and uncertainties increased as did expectations of porn-star-esque bedroom gymnastics. Herpes, HIV, new strains of the clap and chlamydia came out to play!

But it would be also be dishonest to pretend that the Sexual Revolution did not also free and save lives by forcing society to deal with issues like incest, sexual abuse, sexism, violence against women and homophobia.

Gary Ross, Director and Producer of the critically acclaimed movie Pleasantville had this to say about the film, "This movie is about the fact that personal repression gives rise to larger political oppression...That when we're afraid of certain things in ourselves or we're afraid of change, we project those fears on to other things, and a lot of very ugly social situations can develop". In the movie, those who became free of personal repression in the 1950s utopian, black and white television world started to manifest color and certainty gave way to uncertainty but also freedom. What we had before the Sexual Revolution was not the utopia that many social conservatives make it out to be, even if it was less complicated and had more reassurances built into it…like riding with training wheels.

The Sexual Revolution was not perfect and worst of all, when it was not even half-way finished it was co-opted by mercenaries in the corporate world. To put it crudely: We were taught how to fuck better, feel better about fucking, associate more products with fucking, watch people fucking and sing catchy songs about fucking while doing dances that made us want to fuck some more. But we were not sufficiently taught how not to fuck up ourselves, not to fuck up those we love and not to fuck up the planet. It was style without substance. A hard cock without a soul or mind behind it. It was knowledge without power and freedom without responsibility and our priorities became well….fucked.

The darlings of corporate oligarchy, the pharmaceutical companies, tackled erectile dysfunction instead of breast and cervical cancers. Hollywood and the fashion and cosmetics industry promoted unnatural standards of beauty and exploitation of girls and boys as sex-objects as soon as their endochrine system whispered, “puberty” and sometimes even earlier *ick*.

After the Jean Bennet-Ramsey tragedy, what’s to say Toddlers & Tiaras is not the equivalent of Cinemax after eleven…for pedophiles.

Religion continued to exploit our fear, guilt and shame with ex-gay programmes, advocacy against women’s choice; opposition of equal rights for sexual minorities and promotion of Sharia Law. As usual, while there was more severe punitive action against the poor while loopholes were made available for the rich and powerful. It has become so glaring now, we have people like Newt Ginrich speaking about the "sanctity of marriage" while on his third. Meanwhile the plebs beat up their gay teenagers, continue to support a church that allows priests to rape our children, give money to pastors on the down-low and excuse imams advocating for terrorism, domestic abuse of and subjugation of women.

Isn’t the goal of any revolution to bring a greater sense of power to the powerless? Well the Sexual Revolution left us with all kinds of powerlessness the most glaring being: The billions of men who are floundering, grasping, struggling to hold on to self-esteem, sense of purpose and power that for far too long could only be enjoyed at the expense of other people and the planet.

The Revolution is also not complete because we still have billions of women still carrying the yoke for their societies, while being denied the fullest benefits of those societies. The billions of women who can enjoy the fullest benefits of society, but still carry the scars of guilt, ignorance, shame, disempowerment and so sabotage themselves in ways that can still be used to hinder their progress.

 

The Revolution is yet to reconcile those who wrongly thought sexual freedom and spirituality were incompatible and sacrificed their spirituality for hedonism and are now in their later years hollow and handicapped to address issues pertaining to forgiveness, inner-peace, self-love, purpose, trust, unconditional love and social justice.

The LGBT community who are still suffering under prevailing archaic laws in my Caribbean territory with no end in sight thanks to the cowardice of our elected leaders, apathy of influential gays and lesbians, ignorance of the populace and hypocrisy of the religious community. Our planet which is struggling to keep up with our ridiculous rate of procreation.

Snap your fingers. Seriously, do it. Ten thousand babies were just born. Snap your fingers again, another ten thousand. Two thirds of those babies will be born into poverty, unjust societies and polluted environments. One out three of the girls born will be sexually abused. One out ten sold into slavery. Less than half were born to parents who want them, will do what it takes to love, care and provide for them, let alone raise them with selflessness and all the best knowledge we have on childrearing. Yet, snap your fingers and ten thousand more have been born. They have been born into a world with dwindling resources and harder choices than their parents will ever have to make. No higher mammal on the planet reproduces completely out of sync with its societal needs and natural environment like we do. We are clearly out of balance, misdirected and not fully evolved in this area of our life.

So yes, music videos are raunchier. Women can now be cougars instead of just middle-aged. A Surgeon General actually said that masturbation is good. Pre-marital sex is a prerequisite of finding a committed partner, saving a lot more couples sexual incompatibility catastrophes after a binding contract has been signed in front of family and friends. You do not feel “tarnished” if you have had more than one sexual partner or a child out of wedlock. You can buy birth control without shame in more countries. Women can divorce cheating husbands and get alimony. Underage arranged marriages and female genital mutilation is frowned upon. Women can equally require men to man-scape and manicure, primp and preen to appeal to their discriminating tastes. Gays and lesbians can get married in almost all first world nations. Bravo! I mean it, Bravo!

But in my humble opinion, the ultimate goal of the Sexual Revolution should be (1) Awareness of how to use this sexual knowledge and sexual freedom to achieve a higher state of existence in harmony with our environment and fellowman. (2) Supporting, researching and innovating ways of making the aforementioned a reality.

After all, if we are still so powerless and miserable after our sexual revolution in the West, how do we convince nations across the Atltantic that are in dire need of similar revolution that it is a good thing? That they should allow their women equality and not chop off their clitorises and marry them off to an old man for twelve sheep and a donkey when they are still too young to be fully empowered in their own mind. How can we defend the revolution when religious leaders can still point to unhealed scrapes and sprains, among those who discarded their training wheels and life vests and tried to peddle and swim using their own abilities? We have a long way to go yet. There is still fight in me. What about you?

Intimacy In A Time Of AIDS

Some time ago, on the Saint Lucian radio talk show called What Makes Me Mad the host, Andre Paul led a discussion about his grievances with an AIDS awareness ad that advocated condom use if you believed your partner might place you at risk. The question he sent out over the airwaves was, “Would you continue to have sex with your wife if you knew she was HIV positive?”

The flurry of responses ranged from many disgusted “Absolutely not! I will get an instant divorce!” to a scant number of more tolerant “Yes, I will have sex but only with a condom”.

After the heated debate over the safety of having sex with a person with AIDS went on for a good thirty minutes, it became quite obvious to me that when it came to sex, the callers had a very one track mind when it came to sexual intimacy. The only thing on their minds was vaginal penetration and nothing more. This lack of imagination saddened me, especially when there are hundreds of safe and loving things a couple, even a couple where one person might be HIV positive, can do to share intimacy and pleasure. And so, it led me to ask, “Could our lack of imagination when it comes to sex be one of the many reasons why AIDS is spreading so rapidly in this region?”

Maybe if we were focusing more on the quality of our sexual experiences instead of the quantity of times we “get a juk” (especially the men), it would be easier to implement safer sex into our sexual routines. Could it be that true lovemaking and a fulfilling intimate sex life between couples is one of the answers to the AIDS epidemic?

Are Afro-Caribbean men unskilled and unimaginative when it comes to sexual intimacy beyond the athletics of jukking?

In the 1990’s several Sex survey studies at the UWI Gender Affairs St. Augustine indicated that Caribbean men are seriously lacking in sexual sophistication as they do not particularly enjoy the act of reciprocating orally. They also did not understand the importance of foreplay or that basically is it just the outer third (about three inches deep), of the vagina that gives a woman the most pleasure (so the obsession with size is unnecessary). The sex study dubbed the typical Caribbean male’s approach to sex “The wham bam” technique.

The study also went on to show that Caribbean women are also very much to blame for their lack of pleasure. They simply are not communicative enough and dishonestly fake orgasms. In fact, a lot of women are guilty of simply being mere outlets, present but yet not present during the act. How sad, especially when you consider that women are the superior sex when it comes to sexual pleasure.

We have a body part designed for nothing else but pleasure. Unlike, the penis, a woman’s clitoris does not serve any double function; its only purpose is to send us crazy with ecstasy. It has over two times the pleasure nerve endings of the male organ. As if that wasn’t enough, we were blessed again, with an internal G spot and are capable of having multiple orgasms. But how many of us are living up to our true pleasure potential? How many men are taking the time and care to truly make love to their women with care and comprehension of their needs? And are we women communicative with our partners? What do these questions have to do with AIDS prevention?

Designed with an organ only for pleaure with twice the nerve endings, twice the orgasm duration and the ability to have multiple and extended orgasms. You would think more women would be actively involved in speaking up about their sexual fulfillment but many are still not doing it.

The fact is safer sex goes hand in hand with good sex.

That goes for all sexual couplings but particularly the heterosexual and the MSM (men who have sex with men) community as lesbians remain one of the least infected groups when it comes to HIV (but not necessarily other STDs). Then again, women love to share their feelings, especially with each other and they do not wield the potentially dangerous, intrusive sexual organ called the penis, at least not the organic kind that is full of micro-organisms.

This organ can be a lethal weapon when wielded by an insecure, ignorant, impulsive selfish, guilt-ridden, self-loathing, unbalanced, compulsive man, gay or straight.

Within the gay male community, HIV is on the rise and there continues to be a problem of men simply not getting tested, not caring if they have it, not caring who they infect if they have it and worst of all, not even caring if they get it.

Why?

I used to think it was a “gay” problem caused by self-loathing particularly in homophobic societies like the Caribbean. Gay men are subjected to so many hateful and shame inducing indoctrination about their sexuality-“You will never find love!”, “You will troll the streets for strangers to satisfy your evil lust!”, “You will live a superficial life that revolves around vanity, materialism and hedonism until you can no longer afford it or grow old and ugly and get kicked out of the club”, “You will abuse drugs to numb your shame!”, “You will get AIDS and DIE!”

Many gay men unwittingly self-fulfill the prophesies levied against them because there is little else opposing those messages with love, self-acceptance, inclusion, family-life, unconditional love, real relationships, real intimacy and a healthy way to express joy, sexuality, individuality.

But I am beginning to doubt whether that is the only factor. For even in developed nations with liberal social attitudes, support systems, mainstream pop cultural acceptance and legislation that protects the equal rights of homosexuals, HIV continues to plague the gay male population. This makes me wonder if the problem is actually a MALE thing. Could it be that the same poor male attitudes towards sex, intimacy and respect for self and other that are making straight men infect their women with impunity are also present among gay men? Then further compounded by societal discrimination and criminalization that keeps sexual activity closeted and HIV status untested?

Could the risk-taking, careless, predatory approach to sex by men (both gay and straight) be rooted in something more primal?

While doing a “Prostate Cancer Awareness” campaign for the Brian Lara Cancer Treatment Centre in Trinidad, the chief oncologist revealed some of the male attitudes she has to deal with which include a reluctance to visit the doctor even when the signs show up, get tested and even get treated (if diagnosed). She said men have this risk-taking and defeatist attitude when it comes to their own life. But of course! Men were the gender that had to go out and face down saber tooth tigers and charging rhinoceroses. They were on the front lines, daring to hold a spear steady while multitudes charged. They learned that risk can bring immediate and long term reward. They learned to feed off adrenaline. Women on the other hand learned life is precious and the most important thing is protecting themselves and their young. We faced off with our mortality every 28 days and won. We were the ones nagging our children not to run with scissors.

Could it be that safe sex is just BORING to men? Could it be that the claims of decreased sensation is all in their mind because the thrill of skin to skin is not there, the danger (of potential pregnancy or infection) is not there?

It is clear that men, gay and straight will have to learn how to replace this thrill with something else. But that of course will require IMAGINATION and INTIMACY and here is where our problems start.

Imagination is the easiest to fix of course, especially for men. I am sure it will not take a great deal of effort for them to think up right now of 50 ways to ejaculate outside of a vagina or asshole.

Pick up a copy of the Karma Sutra, read ancient erotica, use your imagination! Our ancestors were forced to be inventive about sex in order to keep their populations under control and in harmony with their eco-systems and seasonal patterns. Children were supposed to be well-timed accordingly, thus all the various fertility festivals that still influence our annual ceremonial calendar. Learn from them!

The real problem is intimacy. The things that get in the way of it are well entrenched in our culture- ignorance, shame, macho attitudes and disempowered female attitudes (and that includes disempowered female attitudes of gay men who are “bottoms”).

We will never get couples to practice safer sex when men still treat the female anatomy as a mere outlet instead of an actively engaged lock to their key, with special hidden keys of its own. We will never get couples to practice safer sex when they aren’t even in the habit of communicating their most intimate needs and desires because they are ridden with shame about it. If a man’s approach to sex is completely self and penis-centered, do you really think he’s going to care about his partner’s needs for a slower pace, gentler touch and most of all, putting on a condom? How can a woman who does not even value herself enough to insist her partner pleasures her properly truly care about him protecting her reproductive health?

Good sex comes from a kind of intimacy that allows openness of communication, concern for each other’s pleasure and health, mutual exploration, sharing desires and fantasies and freedom to feel safe within a loving relationship. As a bonus, much of the infidelity that often results in the spread of AIDS would also decrease if both parties were deeply satisfied in their sex lives with each other.

In this day and age of the AIDS epidemic, one would expect our imagination to grow beyond just rudimentary coitus. We have stubbornly held on to their outdated hypocrisy and shame. We are not widely providing sex aids, sex counseling, couples counseling or open and honest education about sex and sexuality. Yet at the same time we continue to nourish the primal sexual drive in our music and culture.

Why is this more acceptable, easy to do, easy to emulate?

But not this?

I attended a World Aids Day rally on Brian Lara Promenade in Trinidad, in 1996 and there was a kiosk set up by a brave young activist group. Their mission: show how safer sex could be fun and practical in a real life context. One of their members, a gutsy woman at that, demonstrated on a very life like dildo, how to put on a condom orally, as well as many other very practical and pleasurable safer sex techniques. She did this fully clothed and to an adult audience only. Yet still, there was a huge moral uproar! Funny, that same uproar is missing when some soca or dub artist teaches a new sexy dance to the public, including children.

It is no coincidence that the countries with the highest HIV contractions are those that still have deep seated conservative, repressed and hypocritically religious views on sex.

Here is my very novel message for this year’s World Aids Day, ladies, be open and honest about what you would really like him to do. Men, take the time to care about more than just a quick hole in one. Slow down and really be intimate and in that quality sensual time you spend with your mate, you will discover how easy and sexy it can be to introduce safer and imaginative techniques. It’s the message AIDS awareness campaigns missed completely- TRUE, EMPATHETIC LOVE MAKING, even if it takes the form of spontaneous, urgent sex that is a little rough in all the right ways…is ALWAYS safe and fulfilling.

The 2012 Survival Kit Series will continue in the next post.