January 20, 2010

It's 2010. Bottoms Up!

We are already into the New Year and I am so happy I did not miss my January posting. The reason I am late is an embarrassing one but one I will actually share. I met 2009 in fine style at a party in the lush green hills of Bonne Terre overlooking the entire Rodney Bay in St. Lucia. As the moon rose up from the North East, the water in the bay glowed silver and amidst all the drunken revelers I re-dedicated myself to the Mother with complete understanding and acceptance of my current mortality and the infinite immortality beyond.

It was a life-changing event! And the first thing in my life to change after that base chakra moment was my ass.

I found myself one week later bottoms up on a doctor’s table, cheeks spread apart as he “Ooooed” and “Ahhhed” over my super cluster of inflamed and thrombosed hemorrhoids. This herediatary condition was one I had lived with and managed with OTC medications for five years. In 2010 it finally said, “Your life WILL change from here on out and you WILL pay attention to me!”

Two days later I was in surgery and now I am pleased to announce I have a brand, spanking new asshole! I have a brand new spanking diet for life- high fibre, vegetable, fruit, water and lean protein, low refined carbohydrates. I have a brand new outlook when it comes to dealing with stress. Not only that, I have a new appreciation for the anus and the ass in general. Listen people we cannot ignore these parts of the body anymore. I learned that the hard way pre and post surgery and many others are learning it with even worse conditions like colon cancer. Your asshole is as important as your eyes; heart, brain. If you don’t believe me, try sneezing, laughing or coughing without engaging your sphincter. Try passing gas or genital stimulation without involving that ring of fire. It was only when simple things became excruciating that I appreciated my bunghole.

So, I will be commencing this New Year with an essay on the ass. Trust me it will not be as base as you think and it will lead to unexpected finds as we dig deeper (geez!). Fittingly, just in time for Carnival, I want to explore, examine and celebrate the derriere! When did we lose touch with it? How are we rediscovering its joys? What is the greater significance of this?
Stay tuned.