October 21, 2008

Choose Well Sisters

If you’ve done biology at an advanced level or if you are an avid reader of National Geographic, or just like watching nature documentaries, you will no doubt know that there are many strange and wonderful things to be found in nature. Some of these anomalies include mammals that can lay eggs, gay dolphins and penguins, frogs, fish and shrimp that switch genders in one lifetime, male seahorses that give birth and flying snakes. But you will never find the female of any species spending her valuable time competing for the affections of the male. It is always the male who fights for the right to mate with the female. The female then selects which male she will allow the privilege of passing on his genes. In the natural world, the strong, smart, skilled and healthy males get to sire offspring, the runts get to piss off.

Nature has some wierd and wonderful things but you will never find the female of any species spending her valuable time competing for the affections of the male. The onus is on the males to look good, smell good and perform the tricks to win a mate

Even among the most small brained of vertebrates like birds, it is the male that must compete to attract the female by building a nest, showing off his ability to provide or putting on a colourful display for her. Males are the ones who pay attention to their appearance because it is always up to the male of the species to look and smell appealing for the female. Males always have the more colourful plumage (peacocks and birds of paradise), spectacular antlers (moose and reindeer) or luxurious manes (lions and baboons). In nature, females have no obligation to compete for a mate instead they are entrusted with the task of selecting the male with the BEST genes for the perpetuation the species. Females are responsible for natural selection. The female mountain goat will leap the steepest cliffs for miles upon miles while a bunch of males chase her. Only the strongest and most skillful male will stand a chance of ever siring any offspring with her, if he cannot keep up, too bad. Even the lowly female crab that would most likely end up in our callaloo dish knows the male crab must first dig a suitable home, decorate it and then defend it from predators and other males in order to stand any chance of getting it on with her. In nature, if a male has no quality, he gets no loving. It’s as simple as that. This is why is baffles me when women sacrifice their time, peace of mind, money and even their reproductive health for men who are complete morons. Are beasts smarter than us?

Don’t laugh. It’s a sad thing.

All the brothers still living at home with mama take heed, a male crab builds a home of his own first and then goes in search of a mate.

We, the most advanced primates on earth have surely gotten things back to front when two productive, attractive women are fighting each other over a good for nothing, zero child support paying, no steady job holding pipsqueak of a man. From Jerry Springer to a catfight in a nightclub, to the girlfriend who is always crying over problems with her locho man, this most unnatural phenomenon is rampant. Have we forgotten so easily the legend of a thousand ships launched for Helen of Troy or true stories of knights who jousted to the death over medieval princesses and that the tribesmen of the Masai killed lions and presented their livestock wealth to get a bride? Would you believe there was a time when the ministrations of a woman were so valuable that even soliciting a prostitute was a privilege to be enjoyed only by the noblest of men? Ages ago, even prostitutes could refuse a man’s attentions if he did not meet her standards. From the courtesans of the West to the geishas of the East, they were treated like royalty and lavished their pleasurable attentions only on men of class and distinction. Today, women are giving it all away to dimwitted, emotionally retarded, philandering fools for a box of fried chicken or nothing at all.

When a few stupid women lower their standards, we all suffer. Now even the most pathetic, lazy bum thinks he’s “God’s gift to us all”, resulting in all of us being accosted in our clean, presentable attire by some shabby looking malodorous man with no regard for our refined sense of smell and no respect for our person.

Demanding quality, responsibility, bravery, industry and sensitivity in a man does not make you less of a feminist. Do not for one second think that now that you have the degree, career and the emotional and spiritual tools to succeed that somehow, it is okay for men to drop the ball. They still have to come just as good as you do. When a few stupid women lower their standards, we all suffer. Now even the most pathetic, lazy bum thinks he’s “God’s gift to us all”, resulting in all of us being accosted in our clean, presentable attire by some shabby looking malodorous man with no regard for our refined sense of smell and no respect for our person. It’s our collective fault that every man thinks he is entitled to get “some” with zero effort. No one is asking our men to slay lions to prove their worth to us or to even live up to the nobility of the Lord of The Rings’ Aragorn or attractiveness and class of some Denzel Washington movie character. All we ask is that you just take regular baths wear deodorant and show some manner of caring, commitment, competence, class, cunnilingual capability and civic responsibility.

Painful first time, greater anatomical STD vulnerablity, genital discomforts and yeast infections from sex, the pressure of pregnancy, the ravaged body from childrearing, the potential health problems- We women risk far more to our person when we enter a sexual relationship. We have EVERY RIGHT to be picky.

So I know some of the brothers reading this will be like, “What the hell? What gives women the right to be so picky! It’s not like you are perfect either!” I agree. We aren’t perfect. In fact, we make loads of mistakes and some women really make me roll my eyes and feel sorry for my gender. However whether the woman is an Alicia Keys goddess, who rocks your world, pays her way, boosts your spirit and cares for you or a good for nothing skank, manipulative bitch who is in it for all she can get, is not the point. The point is that ALL women, risk more in a relationship and so we get to demand more. Don’t believe me? Then answer this:

Who has to endure pain to lose their virginity? Who requires more effort to feel pleasure during sex? Who bears the burden of childbearing with all its resulting pains and potential health problems? Who is more anatomically vulnerable to catch STDs? Who has to put up with everyday inconveniences like yeast and urinary tract infections from having sex? Who is more at risk of being violently abused if they leave? Who statistically earns less in the workplace? Which gender has to put up with being the one that is sexually assaulted every five minutes? Its US WOMEN! So why should we also have to settle for a mediocre mate?

It would be no nookie for these runts if they were out in the wild.

No female bird, crab or alligator ever has to settle for less than her ideal mate and neither should we!
It’s time we learn from our animal friends and reclaim the power nature entrusted to us. Like the Alpha female wolf, we have to start to give sexual consent to only to the Alpha Male and snarl and bite when the lesser mongrels come a-sniffing. If the Alpha Male is unavailable, which in our modern world means- the ambitious worker, able provider, involved father, intuitive lover and loyal friend, then we will settle for none….NEVER less. It’s a hard and cruel standard to follow. Prepare for loads of battery powered nights alone with a glass of wine. You will long for companionship, especially when other girlfriends and female relatives get married. But trust me on this, if you can hold out and not give your heart away to a loser under the mistaken impression you can nurture and change that poor soul, you will emerge from this younger and far more viable a human being, than the women who fell fast and hard and now regret it and cannot get out.

So say these resolutions with me-
1. Love and the human heart are unpredictable, but I will weigh my decisions more carefully and invest myself with more discrimination.
2. If I am attracted to a less than adequate man I will be as calculating and brutally honest about it as possible and take only what I am prepared to give. If that be just a one night stand, so be it.
3. I will STOP fighting over men. No female of any species fights over the male. It is the males who fight to mate with us. That is what all their extra testosterone and brawn are for.

When we make wooing too easy, we rob heterosexual men of their natural outlet for their testosterone and they end up finding other less positive outlets for their male aggression, including beating up on us. They become fat and lazy. Their natural hunting instincts will eventually make them leave their doormat mate who gave it all up easily at home and go chasing after a more exciting and harder won sexual conquest that makes him feel more like a man. They call it “Middle Age Crisis” but it is really, “I am bored shitless because this woman is NOT making me WORK FOR IT! I need to chase after something new!”

Our men should NEVER feel that they are done wooing us. Like male lions in a pride, in the prime of their lives, they must always be kept active and engaged in securing their position, keeping up their appearance and physique. They must always be aware we are desirable and wooable by rival males and even females. You must first assume that position of power and believe you deserve no less. Do not be afraid that men won’t meet your higher standards and you’ll end up alone. Have a little more faith in yourself and in men as well. Real men, the cream of the crop want the challenge! In their older feeble years, after they have proven their devotion and their testosterone is waning, that is the right time to nurture and make them comfortable and reward them with as much easy loving that they can stand.

I wish you all the best as you find your Alpha Male to be your mate for life.

Women are the selectors of the next generation of the human race. Family history is traced through the patriarchal name but genetic ancestry is always traced primarily through the female genetic line. Why? Our gender is the one entrusted with passing on the vital mitochondrial DNA in our XX chromosomes. We posses that extra piece of genetic code men do not have. How will your ancestral line be remembered? What caliber of man entered your grandmother’s gene pool? Your mother’s gene pool? What quality of man will enter yours? The survival of our human species depends on you. Choose well.