Monogamy Part 1- The Impossible Dream?

Some believe in monogamy so strongly, not just for themselves but for everyone else, that all arguments to the contrary, no matter how persuasive, historic and scientific, not even their own, their parents’, religions’ and society’s failure at keeping everyone monogamous will convince them otherwise. In this article, I will delve into the arguments against monogamy. In a follow-up article I will write a pro-monogamy article and about what I, a person in a successful monogamous relationship for eleven years has learned about commitment and why and how it works best and for whom. If you are a staunch advocate of monogamy you may not like what you are about to read. But read it anyway. If I, a monogamous person, can explore both sides, surely so can you.

Monogamy is an anomaly in nature

Modern biologists are now discovering after more thorough investigation, that more and more species, even those formally lauded for their “mate for life” commitment, like swans, are not actually monogamous. Genetic testing of several species believed to be monogamous has revealed that in many cases social monogamy (a pair bond) is not the same as sexual monogamy. It is becoming apparently clear that nature has little use for monogamy. But why?

Biologists are now discovering that not even swans, formally believed to mate for life, are strictly monogamous.

Simply put, monogamy is bad for natural diversity and species survival. Most biologists have known for a long time that the vast majority of males from a wide variety of species tend to be interested in sexual variety. The higher the intelligence of the species, the more promiscuous and complex the sexual behaviour, with dolphins, great apes and man ranking as the most sexually adventurous at the top of the heap.

Given the choice most men will easily go for more than one mate, even if not at the same time.

Males are sperm makers. Sperm are easy for their body to produce, readily abundant and expendable. Males do not have any further physical imposition after releasing them and that freedom from the constraints of pregnancy and childbirth only serves to liberate them to spread as much seed as possible. Human males peak sexually (19-25) earlier than females do (35-45). This affords them a jumpstart on genetic perpetuation. Studies reveal that men think about sex more often, are aroused more easily and though women also have as active a libido, longer more intense orgasms and eight times the erogenous surface area, men have more active pursuit of sexual release. As a result, given the choice, most men would rather have two women than one (although not necessarily at the same time), or better yet three or four.

Noted sociologist Camille Pagila once likened prostitution to a service industry, mopping up the overflow of male demand, which will always exceed female supply.

And what about the females of most species? Are we naturally more monogamous or have we just been socialized that way.

In a study of female sexual behaviour, women in committed relationships were blindfolded and asked to smell the t-shirts of different men and rate which ones they found appealing/arousing/stimulating. Women who were ovulating were more than likely to pick a shirt that did not belong to their husbands or boyfriends.

Well, much to the surprise of biologists, it turns out the gals are just as randy as the guys. But with us, it is all about quality and not just quantity. From barn swallows to gibbons to the lady who wore the scarlet letter in Hawthorn’s novel, we too have wandering eyes and hot blood in our veins. That may not surprise you. But what will is that our need to have more than one sexual option is also a biological fail-safe. Tim Jacobs, Professor of Physiology at Cardiff University, said: "Some studies have shown that during ovulation, there's a surge of oestrogen which increases a woman’s olfactory sensitivity.” And why would a woman need to have a better sense of smell during her monthly sexual peak? Why to sniff out a better potential mate!

In one study, women in committed relationships were asked to be blindfolded and smell the t-shirts of a number of men (who had worn it all day) and list which ones they found most appealing/arousing. Consistently, the women who were not ovulating picked their husband or boyfriend’s scent. However, those who were at their monthly sexual peak were twice as likely to pick another man’s scent and it was usually a man more rugged and physically imposing than their current mate, sometimes it would be a man they would not normally find attractive or consider as marriage material but was a better biological fit than their current partner. When blindfolded, age, race or social status did not matter. The only thing that did were the pheromones that communicated which male presented the best genetic option for them.

Our biological makeup is heedless of all social and religious expectations. Are you daunted by these scientific findings and the raw nature they expose within every single one of us, from pastor to jamette? Don’t be. You should be grateful males are compelled by biology to spread their seed and females are compelled to constantly sniff out the best mate, even if they are already attached. If you believe in a Creator, obviously, that is what It intended. If you don’t it is a fortunate evolutionary mechanism to help the human race survive. In fact, if we weren’t naturally promiscuous beings, our species would have probably died out a long time ago during our struggle to inhabit and conquer a planet filled with hostile environments, wild animals, biological threats, natural and man-made disasters.

Family and civilization are not dependent on monogamy

There is a true story of a Christian missionary who visited a Maori village in 19th century New Zealand and there was a feast in his honor. After the feast, the Maori chief called out, "A woman for the bishop!" The bishop took offense because of his restrictive religious and social views on casual sex. For the pagan, nature worshiping Maori on the other hand, the offer of a woman to a guest for his pleasure was not taboo. The obliging chief thought he must have not been generous enough and roared again, even louder: "Two women for the bishop then!"

Among many indigenous tribes, you will also find this rather pragmatic approach to sexuality. When you are just a small tribe against the elements of a vast jungle island, the last thing you want is people feeling squeamish about the processes of sexuality and reproduction that keep your numbers strong and your tribe happy and cohesive.

You see, for the Maori, polyarmory (loving many at the same time) was no big deal. Among many indigenous tribes, you will also find this rather pragmatic approach to sexuality. When you are just a small tribe against the elements of a vast jungle island, the last thing you want is people feeling squeamish about the processes of sexuality and reproduction that keep your numbers strong and your tribe happy and cohesive. That is why there is the Hudough Dance for the Navaho. During this festival, married members of the tribe are allowed to sleep with someone else and there must be no jealousy or possessiveness or reprisal the next morning. Before the countries of Europe were Christianized by the Roman Empire, couples lay under the stars while Beltane fires roared. During this pagan fertility rite, lovers copulated with anyone they wanted, whether their spouse or not. On the island of Mangaia of Cook, men and women receive sexual instruction at an early age and are expected to practice it on as many partners as they can. Marriage is merely an economic transaction or for family alliances.

The patriarchal namesake nuclear family is a recent construct. Where there has been long standing tradition of polyarmory and polygamy within a culture, family units may be different but strong and beneficial to children in their own way. Really, all a child needs is love, protection and a chance to learn how to be a valued member of the society.

In addition to polyarmory, there are also many culturally polygamous tribal societies. Polygamy was an accepted practice among early Hebrews. Who can forget Solomon with his 700 wives and 300 concubines. The Koran allows four wives and the Sephardic Jews still practice polygamy. Plural marriages have been commonplace among Native Americans, especially the Ojibway of northern Wisconsin, Mesquakia of Iowa and the Ho-chunk. Interestingly enough, in many of these tribes, a woman in a polygamous arrangement was not in a subordinate position because most tribes were not strictly patriarchal. The most common type of polygamy practiced by American Indians was sororal and filial polygamy, for example in certain indigenous tribes in Bolivia South America, married men may have sex with their wife and any of her sisters, in turn the wife in the relationship may enjoy her husband and any of his brothers. This is seen to strengthen tribal bonds. Among many tribes, if there was a shortage of females, a woman (she must takes lots of sassafras and ginseng) was allowed two husbands.

In some societies no word exists for, “bastard”. It is abandonment by the mothers that is seen as the only real travesty because in nature, that is truly the case.

But what about the children’s well-being?! Don’t children need one father and one mother in a monogamous relationship to thrive? Well, let us remember that the patriarchal namesake nuclear family is a recent construct. Where there has been long standing tradition of polyarmory and polygamy within a culture, family units may be different but strong and beneficial to children in their own way. Really, all a child needs is love, protection and a chance to learn how to be a valued member of the society. Children born to one of many wives in a Zulu village, among many brothers and sisters, several mothers, aunts and grandmothers fair just as well as a child raised by two parents, perhaps even better. If you have two parents and it turns out that neither is much good at parenting, then you are stuck with what you have. But imagine if you have an extended family and an entire village invested in your well-being, there is a better chance you will find at least find one adult who can truly mentor you.

Many of the great civilizations and nations throughout human history were built upon family units were not strictly monogamous. I am talking about empires lasting ages longer than our modern, post-colonial, western societies. Out of these great civilizations came astronomy, democracy, philosophy and medicine among other great inventions and feats of conquest proving that a stable and successful society does not necessarily require monogamy.

A large part of the concern for children stems from our own marginalization and discrimination of children born without a “father’s” name. This is patriarchal custom only. In some societies no word exists for, “bastard”. It is abandonment by the mothers that is seen as the only real travesty because in nature, that is truly the case. A baby lion, or bird abandoned by its mother will die and these indigenous tribes base their spiritual and social construct from what they observe in nature. So, for example, children who were conceived during the orgy of Belthane were considered sacred gifts of the God and Goddess and treated with special deference by the entire village. Ambiguous paternity was not a source of shame in these tribes as it is for our modern society because the mother was seen as the most important figure. The child took its mother’s name or her mate would happily welcome the offspring as his and the tribe would welcome the newborn with joy.



Many of the great civilizations and nations throughout human history were built upon family units were not strictly monogamous. I am talking about empires lasting ages longer than our modern, post-colonial, western societies. India, China and Japan in their golden ages, Eygpt, Babylon, Greece, Rome were cultures that separated the sexual/physical attraction from the domestic/social obligations of marriage and made social and religious allowances for extra-marital trysting without judgement. Out of these great civilizations came astronomy, democracy, philosophy and medicine among other great inventions and feats of conquest proving that a stable and successful society does not necessarily require monogamy.

We are terrible at monogamy, always have been, always will be



When we are truly honest with ourselves, we must admit that it is virtually impossible to maintain a strictly monogamous state of mind and body. Even couples married for fifty or more years will confess they have often fallen in love with another in their heart, some even pursued it and were later forgiven by their spouse. When this is made into a sin, it is even harder to cope with our inevitable nature. Imagine the pressure and guilt of those who adhere to certain religious standards, where even thinking about another person in a sexual way is equal to the act of adultery. So how do societies where monogamy is preferred socially and religiously even though human nature dictates otherwise find a way to allow both monogamous marriage and rampant sexual attraction to co-exist? Simple. Hypocrisy and female subjugation.

Historically such societies produce a duality where all that is needed is just an “appearance of respectable monogamy”. This duality can be seen in the extra-marital outlets for the libido that are allowed to exist with little to no challenge but only for men. Foremost among these are courtly love and prostitution. It would surprise many to know that in the middle-ages, the Church accepted alms from prostitutes. By accepting a prostitute’s money, the Church sanctioned the act that produced the money. But why would The Church support the institution of prostitution? Why did St. Augustine who led the Church’s sanction against all forms of sexuality outside of holy intent to conceive children, refuse to outlaw prostitution? Because the Church knew all too well that the elimination of prostitution would create a pressure cooker situation that would dismantle society were it to explode.

Not even St. Augustine would outlaw prostitution. A man’s daughter was valuable property that could secure a dowry or even business and political alliances if it was delivered “unspoiled” to the arranged husband. So better for a young man to visit a whore and then go to confession, than ruin a hymen and cause lasting upheaval.

Without prostitution, there was no way to safe-guard the virginity of the daughters from all those horny young men in the village. Remember a man’s daughter was valuable property that could secure a dowry or even business and political alliances if it was delivered “unspoiled” to the arranged husband. So better for a young man to visit a whore and then go to confession, than ruin a hymen and cause lasting upheaval. Prostitutes also helped ease the rigorous restrictions of marriage, many of which were loveless business arrangements. Arthur Schopenhauer once said, “There are 80,000 prostitutes in London alone and what are they, if not bloody sacrifices on the altar of monogamy?”

It is not just the prostitutes whose well being is sacrificed in man’s quest to condemn yet satisfy his own human nature at the same time. Even though both genders are biologically and emotionally prone to sexual attraction to multiple partners, in traditional patriarchal societies with sanctions against sexuality, only men were allowed any chance of fulfilling their sexual drive with little to no condemnation. For a long time women were expected to repress their urges and be long-suffering when the husband goes to his mistress or visits the brothel. Kings, dukes, soldiers would carry on affairs with the woman they loved but otherwise could not marry because they were already in an arranged marriage. Most of these affairs were done with the full knowledge of the clergy. Of course, if a married woman dared do the same, the public and religious scandal would liken her to a whore and a witch. If she was a Queen, she could be executed for committing treason against her King, even if he was a cheating dog.

If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days. -- Deuteronomy 22:28-29

How did you get us women to do this? Well, by using religious and social mandates which place a greater value on female chastity and female fidelity. The penalty for female infidelity or loss of virginity has always been harsher than for male infidelity and loss of virginity. Just read Exodus and Leviticus. Everything about a woman’s sexuality is unclean and a woman who is raped is treated with suspicion and must prove she screamed in order not to be stoned to death. If a man violates her, his only punishment is to be forced to marry her. He of course, under Hebrew law, which allows polygamy, can take another woman or concubines as the true love of his life if he so chooses. She loses no matter what. Even today, women often risk stalking, abuse, violence and death if they reject a male suitor let alone cheat on him, so that sense of “ownership” over a woman still lives on.



Even in societies that require us to give up our autonomy and become nothing more than property to be passed as “unspoiled” as possible, from father to husband who then becomes our lord and master, women still find options. In ancient Greece, many women actually volunteered to become temple prostitutes because being a wife in ancient Greece was like being in prison. In general Grecian philosophers with the exception of Plato, believed that women had strong emotions and weak minds and did not deserve freedom. A guardian or kyrios was appointed to them to monitor their behaviour. Grecian wives were not educated in anything but household duties and once their marriage was arranged, they were cloistered inside the home. Only servants were lower in rank and Grecian men treated their wives like nothing more than breeding machines.

On the other hand, if a woman became a prosititute or hetera, she was allowed to walk freely and go where she pleased and speak to whom she pleased. The chance she would find sexual fulfillment was also greater. She was educated in the sensual arts, learned to read and write and was also skilled in music, dance and poetry. The poor wives at home would faint if they could see their husbands in the presence of these women. Men who considered their wives too insipid for even casual conversation, would be engaged in banter with these heteras who could hold their own in a conversation about politics, art and philosphy. In fact some heteras were so accomplished, they were lauded for their wit, wisdom and even high ranking Grecian officials would give them an ear. They often became not just lovers but trusted companions to men. Some also could become so prosperous they could afford their own property in a culture where women were not allowed to own anything.

Thankfully in our modern western societies, women have fought long and hard for their own autonomy. We have more options for fulfillment other than subservient wife/mother, nun or whore. Today, when you think of monogamous marriage, it is not arranged just to make political and financial alliances between families, passing a woman on like property from father to husband. Couples have blended romance and love into marital duty where it traditionally was not mutually exclusive. It is now entered into freely by two people wanting to be soul mates and in most cases, the woman had an equal chance to become sexually experienced before making a permanent decision about a mate for life. Her virginity is not a more valued commodity than her husband’s and her sexuality is her own. Ideally, her own dreams and goals and sense of fulfillment have the same value as her husband’s. She is not property. Her fidelity is assured by her own promise, not social restrictions that limit her freedom and rights. Best of all, she expects the same of her husband (in most cases) and can divorce him if he does not live up to his promise to be faithful. In marriage, both are expected to be equal companions, friends, lovers and co-parents.

An improvement? Certainly! A monogamous success? No, not really. It is still a fact that the vast majority of men still cheat (several surveys put it at 75%) and woman are quickly catching up in the percentages now that we have the freedom to explore our sexual desires. If that is just actual physical cheating, those cheating in their heart with extra-marital crushes, lusting and fantasizing must be close to 100%

Even now that marriage is an equal partnership we just cannot stop our wandering eyes and hearts.

So is it hopeless?! Should we even bother to be monogamous? Well, yes but not for the reasons you think. Stay tuned and I will tell you why. Those who are cynically against monogamy may not like the follow-up article just as those totally for monogamy may have cringed reading this one. But personal opinions and social/religious indoctrination aside, I think everyone can benefit from looking at every side of the issue and most importantly taking an honest look at their own motivations in their relationships. Is it based on love or obligation? Is it loyalty or ownership? Asking these questions led me to a personal position on monogamy that was superior to the usual sanctimonious, dishonest or fairytale fluff I was taught and you’d expect to hear. In the next article I intend to share this brutally honest position with you.

Stay tuned.

When The Downtown Thugs Come Uptown

This was written in response to the shooting of a BP engineer at Crobar one Friday afternoon.

So, you are a hardworking professional relaxing in a popular after-work liming spot in Woodbrook on a Friday with your office buddies. You laughing, kicksing and old-talking the night away because to be honest, you had a hard week of bosses and clients pushing buttons you didn’t even know you had. Besides, it is moments like this with your friends that make the extra years you spent slaving away on that degree and/or working for peanuts while interning, seem worth it. You may not be a millionaire yet, but at least you could buy a “rounds” and reflect on life with the people who make you feel good.

You are among others like you, black, white, red, Indian and everything in between. Your watering hole of choice is not overly hoity toity i.e. no bouncers at the entrance weeding out potential thugs. As such, a colourful mélange of individuals feel comfortable there from the boss of your ad agency, to expat BP engineers to construction workers to your Rasta friend who makes jewelry. So you liming, when a bunch of young men stroll in, their body language proclaiming, “Ah reach, what you staring at?!”.

Now, you with your enlightened “all ah we is one” altruism take their posturing with good natured tolerance after all, who isn’t “gangsta chic” these days. But as the night progresses, alcohol levels increase, inhibition levels decrease, these young men become increasingly obnoxious, loud, foul-mouthed and not in that intelligent, creative way literate people spice up one or two sentences with a well-timed cuss word. What is more, the members of this gangsta crew seem to have a huge chip on their shoulder and want everyone to know it. They stare down patrons with intent and hostility. Their idea of playful flirting with the women gathered there, is open hungry staring, aggressive suggestions followed by insults if ignored. And most of the women at the watering hole, many of whom are career professionals, do ignore them. The crude, disrespectful and scary bad boy mating rituals might work on a street corner Passa Passa block party in Morvant, but among these set of women, in this setting, it just does not fly.

Of course, the gangsta patrons are not the most empathetic of socialisers. As far as they are concerned, they have money to flaunt and all must bow! After all, isn’t that what the rap, dance-hall and our corrupt political and social landscape says; money equals automatic respect. So who the hell these upptity women think they are, especially the ones who black just like them? All women should find them irresistible when they flash their gold-toothed, leering smile. Frustrated by the lack of attention and respect they start getting belligerent, seeking out the slightest opportunity to demonstrate their clout. Homophobic slurs start to fly as they refer to some of the men gathered there, most of whom are not even gay,just well spoken. People start to become uncomfortable all of a sudden, it becomes increasingly clear, these young men are not posing as gangtas, they are the real thing.

Now, I am not one to spit on ambition. Many an upstanding, successful person in this country started out as a good for nothing scamp back in the old days. But even our good old bad boys of the 1920s would clout these ruffians upside the head and tell them to have some decorum, values and treat the women with respect.

The money they throw around with bravado was ill-begotten and that glint in their eye is real anger, not just bad bwoy attitude. They behave the way they do, not because they are trying to “play bad” but because they are bad. They are not pretending to be crude, they actually have no social graces whatsoever. They live purely on greed, gratification, adrenaline and anger. Their fuse is short. These are not people who can excuse themselves or accept a simple, “Excuse me,” from another person who happens to mash their foot or spill a drink. They have been raised from infancy with no other emotional tools, self-disciplinary acumen or moral inculcation other than, “If you get me vex, ah go beat your ass”. Therefore, if anyone dares embarrasses, inconveniences, outsmarts, outshines or corrects them, they think is perfectly understandable to pull out a knife and stab them or if necessary, in the case of the ill-fated BP engineer, they leave to retrieve their gun and come back and shoot them and anyone else in the way.

Unless you are willing to forego your rootsiness and hang out at places that have imitation American sports bar, South Beach or Irish pub settings, bouncers, hostesses and charge $20.00 for a beer you will have to encounter these thugs. They have fat pockets full of drug money to spend. They want to hang out where you hang out. They want to prove they could pull women who are better than the desperate skettel baby mamas in their neighbourhood. They want to show, “Dey is man too,” to the suit and tie wearing former St. Mary’s, QRC, Naparima and Fatima boys.

Now, I am not one to spit on ambition. Many an upstanding, successful person in this country started out as a good for nothing scamp back in the old days. But even our good old bad boys of the 1920s would clout these ruffians upside the head and tell them to have some decorum, values and treat the women with respect.

My dear hard-working, tax-paying, law-abiding, trying –hard- to- keep- optimistic- about this- country- while- you-slip- from- middle- to- working- class, warriors, our after-work lime is coming to an end. Liming buddies, get your living rooms and galleries ready, because it will soon be our last safe bastion on a Friday evening, on our budget. The middle-class works the hardest, pays the most taxes and now even this simplest of our Trini pleasures; public liming, is being taken away by crime and our government’s incompetence. Soon only gun wielding thugs and the super rich who can hire bodyguards will be able to enjoy it. The bright side is perhaps it will prove to be the last straw that breaks our apathy.

Choose Well Sisters

If you’ve done biology at an advanced level or if you are an avid reader of National Geographic, or just like watching nature documentaries, you will no doubt know that there are many strange and wonderful things to be found in nature. Some of these anomalies include mammals that can lay eggs, gay dolphins and penguins, frogs, fish and shrimp that switch genders in one lifetime, male seahorses that give birth and flying snakes. But you will never find the female of any species spending her valuable time competing for the affections of the male. It is always the male who fights for the right to mate with the female. The female then selects which male she will allow the privilege of passing on his genes. In the natural world, the strong, smart, skilled and healthy males get to sire offspring, the runts get to piss off.

Nature has some wierd and wonderful things but you will never find the female of any species spending her valuable time competing for the affections of the male. The onus is on the males to look good, smell good and perform the tricks to win a mate

Even among the most small brained of vertebrates like birds, it is the male that must compete to attract the female by building a nest, showing off his ability to provide or putting on a colourful display for her. Males are the ones who pay attention to their appearance because it is always up to the male of the species to look and smell appealing for the female. Males always have the more colourful plumage (peacocks and birds of paradise), spectacular antlers (moose and reindeer) or luxurious manes (lions and baboons). In nature, females have no obligation to compete for a mate instead they are entrusted with the task of selecting the male with the BEST genes for the perpetuation the species. Females are responsible for natural selection. The female mountain goat will leap the steepest cliffs for miles upon miles while a bunch of males chase her. Only the strongest and most skillful male will stand a chance of ever siring any offspring with her, if he cannot keep up, too bad. Even the lowly female crab that would most likely end up in our callaloo dish knows the male crab must first dig a suitable home, decorate it and then defend it from predators and other males in order to stand any chance of getting it on with her. In nature, if a male has no quality, he gets no loving. It’s as simple as that. This is why is baffles me when women sacrifice their time, peace of mind, money and even their reproductive health for men who are complete morons. Are beasts smarter than us?

Don’t laugh. It’s a sad thing.

All the brothers still living at home with mama take heed, a male crab builds a home of his own first and then goes in search of a mate.

We, the most advanced primates on earth have surely gotten things back to front when two productive, attractive women are fighting each other over a good for nothing, zero child support paying, no steady job holding pipsqueak of a man. From Jerry Springer to a catfight in a nightclub, to the girlfriend who is always crying over problems with her locho man, this most unnatural phenomenon is rampant. Have we forgotten so easily the legend of a thousand ships launched for Helen of Troy or true stories of knights who jousted to the death over medieval princesses and that the tribesmen of the Masai killed lions and presented their livestock wealth to get a bride? Would you believe there was a time when the ministrations of a woman were so valuable that even soliciting a prostitute was a privilege to be enjoyed only by the noblest of men? Ages ago, even prostitutes could refuse a man’s attentions if he did not meet her standards. From the courtesans of the West to the geishas of the East, they were treated like royalty and lavished their pleasurable attentions only on men of class and distinction. Today, women are giving it all away to dimwitted, emotionally retarded, philandering fools for a box of fried chicken or nothing at all.

When a few stupid women lower their standards, we all suffer. Now even the most pathetic, lazy bum thinks he’s “God’s gift to us all”, resulting in all of us being accosted in our clean, presentable attire by some shabby looking malodorous man with no regard for our refined sense of smell and no respect for our person.

Demanding quality, responsibility, bravery, industry and sensitivity in a man does not make you less of a feminist. Do not for one second think that now that you have the degree, career and the emotional and spiritual tools to succeed that somehow, it is okay for men to drop the ball. They still have to come just as good as you do. When a few stupid women lower their standards, we all suffer. Now even the most pathetic, lazy bum thinks he’s “God’s gift to us all”, resulting in all of us being accosted in our clean, presentable attire by some shabby looking malodorous man with no regard for our refined sense of smell and no respect for our person. It’s our collective fault that every man thinks he is entitled to get “some” with zero effort. No one is asking our men to slay lions to prove their worth to us or to even live up to the nobility of the Lord of The Rings’ Aragorn or attractiveness and class of some Denzel Washington movie character. All we ask is that you just take regular baths wear deodorant and show some manner of caring, commitment, competence, class, cunnilingual capability and civic responsibility.

Painful first time, greater anatomical STD vulnerablity, genital discomforts and yeast infections from sex, the pressure of pregnancy, the ravaged body from childrearing, the potential health problems- We women risk far more to our person when we enter a sexual relationship. We have EVERY RIGHT to be picky.

So I know some of the brothers reading this will be like, “What the hell? What gives women the right to be so picky! It’s not like you are perfect either!” I agree. We aren’t perfect. In fact, we make loads of mistakes and some women really make me roll my eyes and feel sorry for my gender. However whether the woman is an Alicia Keys goddess, who rocks your world, pays her way, boosts your spirit and cares for you or a good for nothing skank, manipulative bitch who is in it for all she can get, is not the point. The point is that ALL women, risk more in a relationship and so we get to demand more. Don’t believe me? Then answer this:

Who has to endure pain to lose their virginity? Who requires more effort to feel pleasure during sex? Who bears the burden of childbearing with all its resulting pains and potential health problems? Who is more anatomically vulnerable to catch STDs? Who has to put up with everyday inconveniences like yeast and urinary tract infections from having sex? Who is more at risk of being violently abused if they leave? Who statistically earns less in the workplace? Which gender has to put up with being the one that is sexually assaulted every five minutes? Its US WOMEN! So why should we also have to settle for a mediocre mate?

It would be no nookie for these runts if they were out in the wild.

No female bird, crab or alligator ever has to settle for less than her ideal mate and neither should we!
It’s time we learn from our animal friends and reclaim the power nature entrusted to us. Like the Alpha female wolf, we have to start to give sexual consent to only to the Alpha Male and snarl and bite when the lesser mongrels come a-sniffing. If the Alpha Male is unavailable, which in our modern world means- the ambitious worker, able provider, involved father, intuitive lover and loyal friend, then we will settle for none….NEVER less. It’s a hard and cruel standard to follow. Prepare for loads of battery powered nights alone with a glass of wine. You will long for companionship, especially when other girlfriends and female relatives get married. But trust me on this, if you can hold out and not give your heart away to a loser under the mistaken impression you can nurture and change that poor soul, you will emerge from this younger and far more viable a human being, than the women who fell fast and hard and now regret it and cannot get out.

So say these resolutions with me-
1. Love and the human heart are unpredictable, but I will weigh my decisions more carefully and invest myself with more discrimination.
2. If I am attracted to a less than adequate man I will be as calculating and brutally honest about it as possible and take only what I am prepared to give. If that be just a one night stand, so be it.
3. I will STOP fighting over men. No female of any species fights over the male. It is the males who fight to mate with us. That is what all their extra testosterone and brawn are for.

When we make wooing too easy, we rob heterosexual men of their natural outlet for their testosterone and they end up finding other less positive outlets for their male aggression, including beating up on us. They become fat and lazy. Their natural hunting instincts will eventually make them leave their doormat mate who gave it all up easily at home and go chasing after a more exciting and harder won sexual conquest that makes him feel more like a man. They call it “Middle Age Crisis” but it is really, “I am bored shitless because this woman is NOT making me WORK FOR IT! I need to chase after something new!”

Our men should NEVER feel that they are done wooing us. Like male lions in a pride, in the prime of their lives, they must always be kept active and engaged in securing their position, keeping up their appearance and physique. They must always be aware we are desirable and wooable by rival males and even females. You must first assume that position of power and believe you deserve no less. Do not be afraid that men won’t meet your higher standards and you’ll end up alone. Have a little more faith in yourself and in men as well. Real men, the cream of the crop want the challenge! In their older feeble years, after they have proven their devotion and their testosterone is waning, that is the right time to nurture and make them comfortable and reward them with as much easy loving that they can stand.

I wish you all the best as you find your Alpha Male to be your mate for life.

Women are the selectors of the next generation of the human race. Family history is traced through the patriarchal name but genetic ancestry is always traced primarily through the female genetic line. Why? Our gender is the one entrusted with passing on the vital mitochondrial DNA in our XX chromosomes. We posses that extra piece of genetic code men do not have. How will your ancestral line be remembered? What caliber of man entered your grandmother’s gene pool? Your mother’s gene pool? What quality of man will enter yours? The survival of our human species depends on you. Choose well.

Skyscrapers Do Not A First World City Make

City living is key to any developed country with a large workforce in its main commercial district. It helps curtail traffic if you can encourage people to work near where they live. A city is also more viable and productive if it is inhabited and buzzing 24/7 and doesn’t become a ghost town after working hours. City residents feed businesses, nightlife and a vibrant culture that can become in of itself a tourism attraction like the night life of London, Amsterdam, Madrid and New York.

In Trinidad and Tobago, we have a sadly comical way of only seeing the outer trappings of first world grandeur and not the basic infrastructure and social foundation behind it.

The people of Toronto coined a wonderful description of their beloved city called, “The livable city”. What that means is that you can enjoy clean, wholesome, safe, convenient residential experience in the heart of Toronto. When you step outside your hotel, guest house or apartment, you are greeted by clean streets, well maintained store fronts, organised traffic, adequate pedestrian and cycling routes and public transportation that runs like clockwork. There are well maintained parks, green spaces clean farmers markets and of course all the shops, galleries, theatres, restaurants and clubs catering to every lifestyle and pocket, all within your reach, open late or twenty four seven and virtually crime-free.

Cities like this were not based on skyscrapers only but serious infrastructure, commerical and resident-friendly innovations and public services.

In Trinidad and Tobago, we have a sadly comical way of only seeing the outer trappings of first world grandeur and not the basic infrastructure and social foundation behind it. I was in downtown Port of Spain a week ago when a cruise ship came in and I wanted to cry with shame. Every single block of Port of Spain the tourists cruised was inundated with vagrants in various stages of human decay. One unfortunate soul was hopping along on one leg, holding up his filth encrusted pants, another was cursing at top decibel level at whatever phantasm he was seeing in his head. Another lay naked, his reeking jewels on display. Off the corner of Chacon and Queen Street, a pile of human feces baked in the afternoon sun infecting the air along with the smell of rotting garbage and clogged drains.

Don't be fooled by our rising skyline. Beneath all this lies all the rank evidence of Third World squalor. A modern city is not just a pile of skyscrapers. The city life now enjoyed by people in Toronto, London, Tokyo or New York started with careful city planning from the ground up. Our government certainly does not understand this.

It was not only eau de Banana Republic stinking to high heaven but also the smell of truth. It screamed “Fake! Fake! Fake!” to the ugly, presumptuous skyscrapers and our government’s all style, no substance approach that makes them think it is a stroke of genius to build luxury residential high rises and hotels in the heart of a city rank with squalor, crime and disorganized infrastructure. It made it all the more clear to me that Vision 20/20 is just an empty PR moniker to be wielded selectively when certain people want to spend our tax payer money, oil and gas revenues on pork barrel projects.




I often picture the concierge’s welcome to guests at the Hyatt,
“Do enjoy the lovely view of the Lavantille slums to your north, the shantytown of Sea Lots overlooking noisome and toxic water of the Port to the east. Oh and that pungent aroma you smell when you open your window is the combination of Beetham incense, vagrant odour and stale piss. I am afraid the city is not safe for tourists after 5 pm. In fact, I cannot exactly guarantee its safe before 5 pm either, so just please stay in your hotel. If you need to go out for dining and entertainment, have a taxi take you into the outskirts of Port of Spain, there are more pleasant areas in St. Anns, Maraval,Woodbrook and Movie Towne. Have a wonderful stay and please ignore the gun shots you may hear from time to time, just a little light urban cleansing I’m afraid.”

Here are just some of the city attractions that await visitors off the cruise ships or outside the doors of the new overpriced Hyatt in Port of Spain:

Our vagrants out-stink, out-decay, out-filth any the world and they are EVERYWHERE, even outside of boutiques selling Rolex watches and Ralph Lauren's latest scent. No bench is safe and that's not just dog poop on the sidewalk.

Our lack of efficient city garbage disposal creates a wonderful symbiotic eco-system for the vagrants. Goodness knows, we have no social systems to feed, house or re-habilitate them. But unfortunately the garbage causes another problem....

If it rains in the city of Port of Spain for just one hour, prepare to bring out your watersports gear!

As you gaze outside your Hyatt penthouse suite, enjoy Sea Lots to the South East...

and the slums of Lavantille to the North East. At least they look pretty at night, if you can ignore the random gunshots.

Keep in mind the citizens have to protest just for basic policing, so when night falls in Port of Spain, stay in your hotel room or out of the heart of the city. This is not a night friendly city at all.

If you think a modern city is just a pile of skyscrapers think again! The city life now enjoyed by people in Toronto, London, Tokyo or New York started with careful city planning from the ground up. Our government certainly does not understand this. If Port of Spain is to be even close to a livable city, traffic must be re-routed around the downtown area with special permits given only to merchants and their delivery vehicles. Everything south of Oxford Street and between Charlotte and Richmond has to become a cobble stoned pedestrian area. Yes, pedestrian. If you live in a first world city you learn how to park and then walk! If you want parking within the city centre then you have to pay.

A strict No Vagrancy law has to be enacted and enforced. This means development of proper systems and facilities to remove and re-habilitate homeless men and women many of whom suffer from mental illness, natural or drug induced. Old commercial property and dilapidated residential property in Port of Spain must be demolished and turned into either green spaces, high end residential or commercial facilities that are aesthetically pleasing, and lift the overall morale of the city. I cannot emphasise how important it is for historic preservation of old structures. If we continue along this concrete and steel route our city will lose its soul and cultural identity. Urban art needs to be developed on a massive scale. It is hilarious that Brian Lara Promenade has no Brian Lara statue or artistic tribute of any kind to the man.

A clean, organised farmers and crafts flee market needs to be organised. Store owners must be liable to keep the area outside their stores clean. Public urination should be meted out with swift prosecution, so too should littering. To aid this there needs to be armed police patrol on every street and every corner with support of CCTV cameras and mobile stations. In addition, a regular bus system has to give the public access to the city centre at key entry points and taxi services re-routed to the outskirts of the pedestrian areas.

Can you imagine city with a main vein at its heart, Brian Lara Promenade, lit up, clean, breezy, safe and abuzz with our music, art, food late into the night?

Visualise if you can, a day when you can take your family for a walk in downtown Port of Spain at night past coffee shops, all night roti restaurants and sidewalk cafés serving Creole fare. Can you see yourself strolling with your date for an ice cream and watching live street performers on Brian Lara Promenade, then bouncing into old friends or colleagues from the office. Imagine the only smells in the air are spices, food, coffee and that new merchandise smell that wafts out of air-conditioned retail stores. Can you see yourself shopping, liming and partying in the multi-coloured glow of neon lights and sidewalk lamps until late at night in a city that is always alive, safe, bright and beautiful? Picture hoards of tourists roaming Port of Spain and you feeling so much pride as you observe them taking in your nation’s capital with delight instead of disgust. Now THAT is a glimpse of a first world city and it doesn’t even take a single skyscraper to make it so. The question my people is “Are you ready to believe that you truly deserve this?