Finally Break Free From Your Irreparably Dysfuctional Family

If you are blessed with a wonderful family, I hope you not only appreciate it but tell them and show them so everyday. Not everyone is born into a family which they can love, be loyal to, trust, depend on and with whom find emotional and spiritual succor.

The picture perfect family or at least something close to it does exist and those who have it are blessed indeed.

Much is often said about the breakdown of family life, particularly among certain socio-economic and ethnic groups. Despite the much written about plight of fatherless children and lack of parental supervision among African American and Afro-Caribbean families, it has been noted by sociologists that among this group the “ideal of family ties” is still extremely strong. Among Afro, Indian, Syrian and families of Asian descent living in the West, there is a much stronger emphasis on family than their European and European descended fellowmen. Extended family is still important as is regular interaction with relatives, even the “pumpkin vine” family. Most importantly, young people are more likely to stay with parents longer among this demographic. You simply do not get black, Indian, Syrian and Asian children legally emancipating themselves from their parents. Kids take longer to leave the nest compared to our European descended counterparts, particularly from the middle- classes. As a rule, we tend to stick it out with our family even when it may not be in our best interests.

Imagine if you were not related to this person, would you of your own volition invite them into your life, knowing what you know about them? Think about that for a moment and now weigh the illusion of “blood-ties” against the effect this person has had and is having on your life. Is the tangible or intangible benefit of the blood tie worth the effect on your mental, emotional, financial, spiritual well being?

In Trinidad and Tobago, family is family even if they are poisonous to your health. With the rarity of professional family counseling, personal therapy and just good old fashioned self-sufficiency, dysfunction is often the glue that holds households together. Blood is thicker than water and will cover everything from neglect to abuse to outright hostility. I know of friends and relatives who torture themselves time and time again by actively seeking out the company of family members who make their lives a living hell. Why? Obligation, guilt, low self-esteem, desperation for approval, dependency and a habit of thinking others come first and self-sacrifice is nobler than self-preservation. Many of these attributes masquerade as, “Family loyalty,”.

In Trinidad and Tobago, like most of the Caribbean, family ties, extend to "pumpkin vine" and tend to be extremely strong. Most will put up with almost intolerable dysfunction because of this tradition of family loyalty.

That is not to say true family loyalty based on uplifting virtues does not exist. I think those with great families are truly set apart. They must have conquered major karma in their past life to be given such a wonderful vacation from family strife in this life. My awe of them is all the more potent because I was not born into a great family. I won’t get into the horrific details because I now choose to dwell on the precious few moments of joy and positive interactions I can remember from my childhood. Despite forgiving and choosing to re-shape my memories, I am not stupid. I am not going to place my trust in those who have proven themselves unworthy of it. I am not going to give credence to their opinions or live according to their expectations. Many may say, “Well that means you did not really forgive your family.” You see, for some people, forgiveness means falling back into the same old pattern of victimization as before. In other words, a woman who forgives a man who has raped and murdered her child must demonstrate her pardon of him by allowing her other children to fraternize with that same man again. Ridiculous isn’t it? So is setting up yourself to be hurt by your kin over and over again.


I have been essentially on my own since I was 19, with just my partner and true friends forged over many years, as my adopted family. My exile from my family has given me tremendous freedom but it comes with many complications. For example it was necessary for me to make living will and power of attorney documents to specifically bar family members from having any say in health and financial decisions for me, should I be incapacitated. This is something many never have to think about. They simply trust their family will have their best interests at heart and respect their wishes. Yes, it’s kinda sad knowing that you are unable to trust those responsible for your birth and upbringing. Anyone would want to hold their daddy’s hand and have mummy comfort them in times of sickness and not worry if their parents will be opportunistically looking for a way to take advantage of the situation. Trust seems like such a basic right a child ought to have towards their parents. So much so, that many kids with untrustworthy parents continue to delude themselves and trust them anyway just to satisfy that need.

For some people, forgiveness means falling back into the same old pattern of victimization as before. In other words, a woman who forgives a man who has raped and murdered her child must demonstrate her pardon of him by allowing her other children to fraternize with that same man again. Ridiculous isn’t it? So is setting up yourself to be hurt by your kin over and over again.

Even my lawyer was stunned someone so young was asking for a living will and power of attorney and admitted it was rare in Trinidad and Tobago. The times I have been hospitalized and asked, “Which family member to call?”, I have had to be very firm about insisting my partner is the only family to contact, even if I cannot prove relation and our status is not legally recognized by this backward government. Fortunately, private clinics and hospitals are flexible because you pay for your care and the customer is right regardless of whether the head matron likes gay people or not. My honeybunch stayed with me all night when I had to have surgery and doctors briefed her on everything that was happening. Still we had to pay through the nose for that privilege.

So, what about you? Are you having problems with your family? Is there a grown child, parent, sibling, in-law who has proven time and time again to be toxic to your emotional, spiritual and physical well being? What are you going to do about it? Are you going to operate under a misguided notion of “family loyalty” because of culture, religious and societal dictates for yet another year or are you finally going to set yourself free. Does the thought of setting yourself free make your heart fall into your stomach and panic set in? Do you immediately think, “I will be a bad, ungrateful, disrespectful daughter, wife, sister, niece, aunt etc. if I do that!”

Relax, take a deep breath and consider a few things for a while. Imagine if you were not related to this person, would you of your own volition invite them into your life, knowing what you know about them? Think about that for a moment and now weigh the illusion of “blood-ties” against the effect this person has had and is having on your life. Is the tangible or intangible benefit of the blood tie worth the effect on your mental, emotional, financial, spiritual well being? Get downright practical and do a PROs and CONs chart if need be. If the CONs seriously outweigh the PROs, you have some serious decisions to make.

Of course, you still have to manage the situation and many wonder how to do so. Here is what I can suggest.

1. Communicate about the problem. Let the person know how they have and continue to hurt you. If verbal communication is fraught with too much anger and is unproductive, write a letter or e-mail or diffuse the confrontation with a moderator (a family member who is impartial, loves both parties and just wants you to make peace). Make sure to be respectful and reinforce that you really do love this person and your greatest wish would be to have a great relationship with them. Allow time for their response and resolution.

2. If their response is one of further escalation of their ill-treatment towards you. You must GIVE THEM ROOM. Remove yourself from any more interaction until such a time the situation can be resolved in a mature, respectful, productive fashion.

3. If their response is one of denial or obstinate refusal to change even justification of their ill-treatment, depending on the threat level to your well-being, you will have to make a decision. If what they do is detrimental to your health, you MUST cut them off. I am sorry. There is no other way to say this. Just to be sure you know the degree of threat I am referring to, I am not talking about a nagging in-law who is just unpleasant to be around. I am talking about a nagging in-law who deliberately seeks to sabotage your marriage or harm your kids. Just so you know the difference.

4. Stay calm. Stay clear. Stay loyal to your self-worth and self-preservation. It is best not to make it about the other person. This is entirely about you! When asked for an explanation for your absence from family events or interactions with them, simply say, without vitriol, “It is better for my sanity and my well being to stay away from you and simply not engage in any conversation, comments with or about you. I am in neutral position as far as we are concerned. Please be assured that I will not do or say anything against you. I love you, forgive you and wish the best for you (if you can bring yourself to that point) but this is an unhealthy relationship and it seems that I am the only one who acknowledges it and wants to change it. Without your commitment to making it better, I have no other choice. I will continue to hope and pray this will change one day. Till that time, please respect my stance. God bless.”

If the person is truly a bastard and continues to provoke, stick to your guns. DO NOT BE BAITED INTO INVESTING YOUR ENERGY IN FURTHER ENTANGELEMNT WITH THEM!

If the person is truly a bastard and continues to provoke, stick to your guns. DO NOT BE BAITED INTO INVESTING YOUR ENERGY IN FURTHER ENTANGELEMNT WITH THEM! This pacifist, neutral position, based on forgiveness and surrender to a Higher Power is a POWERFUL and PROTECTIVE one. You are given a vacation from the pain and time to heal. The other person is forced to confront their demons now that they no longer have you as their punching bag. In addition, your refusal to engage in hostilities earns you respect and credibility where it counts.

While you stick to your guns, here is a little analogy to ease your guilt and steel your will. I call it “A Choice Of Swimming Pools.”

A long time ago, before this life, you were shown an endless field, dotted with a vast number of swimming pools of every kind. You got to choose which pool had the right temperature, depth, chlorination, salination, swimming companions, life quards, pool toys, microbes, size and shape for your soul’s educational needs. Your pre-born, conscious soul, from its pre-earthly vantage point was of course a lot more “in touch” with the master plan of your Creator. It knew then and still knows now that both perceived pain and pleasure are necessary for your education and evolution. Without contrast there can be no momentum, no momentum means no growth and no growth means no life.



So your soul chose the best swimming pool with the right pain:pleasure ratio to teach you what you need to know based on your needs and your energy debits and credits to the universe (karma). For some, their soul chose a swimming pool with a pleasant temperature, wonderful swimming companions and features that completely satisfies and bouys them up throughout life. Initially, you might think them lucky to be born into such a swimming pool. But every soul needs contrast to climb. They too have challenges to trigger growth in their personality, intellect and health.
In your case however, your soul decided you needed an icy cold pool that was heavily chlorinated, extremely deep, with no toys and stingy, cruel swimming companions who would not be generous enough to teach you how to swim and instead dunk you repeatedly until your lungs scream and eyes burn red.

Now here you are today, still in that pool. The cold water is as torturous as it ever was even though it made you thick-skinned and hardy. The chlorine dried out your skin and is damaging your eyes but it made you care less about superficial appearances in others. Your unpleasant swimming companions inadvertently taught you how to hold your breath for a long time and be a stronger swimmer because of their bullying ways in the pool. You may not fully understand why you were so “unlucky” to have been born into such a hostile swimming pool but you have reached a certain point in your personal development where you know for sure that you are no longer in need of such a harsh swimming environment. You look around you and there are other pools and some of them look nice, warm, fun , inviting with caring swimmers who take care of each other. While you are grateful for all the good lessons so harshly learnt, your home pool is now doing more harm than good. You should leave. So what is stopping you?

Well, even though they hurt you, you cannot help but feel a certain familiar affection for your sadistic swimming companions. Suppose those seemingly caring swimmers in other pools reject you? Better stay with the devil you know right? Yes the water in your pool is chemically harsh and cold but it at least it is familiar. Your skin has been damaged for so long, suppose nice clean, warm water puts it into shock? Then on top of everything, every time you peer longingly over to the other pools and approach the ladder to climb out, your brutal swimming companions tell you,
“Hey! This is YOUR pool! We are YOUR swimming companions like it or not! You do not deserve anything else. You cannot leave and we cannot leave. If you leave it means you do not love us!”

At first, you believe them. Then one day, a final straw of suffering breaks your back and you find yourself darting up that ladder and climbing out the pool that has hurt and helped your soul grow at the same time. You look back just one last time as your former swimming companions watch on in shock and dismay. You are scared but you steel your will and tell yourself, “I have learned what I had to learn and paid my karmic debt to the Universe.”

You had no idea this self-preserving part of you was inside all along and it had a voice. Even though you do not realize it yet, this is the soul part of you that knows things your ego and emotions do not. It knows that the time has come to evolve in this life and build your credit by living a peaceful, contented life that allows you to contribute more to others.

“Who the hell do you think you are?!” scream your former swimming companions.
“I deserve better! I know everyone thinks I do not but for some reason I cannot understand, I feel like I should love myself!” you say and never turn back.

Bravely, you approach a brand new swimming pool and put your toe in. It is luxuriously warm. To your great pleasure and relief, the swimmers in the pool smile at you and beckon you in. You dive bomb with joy and proceed to spend a few years of productive, healthy recovery and growth in that pool. You don’t grow as much as explosively blossom. After years of hardship, your strength makes you unstoppable in this new, softer environment. Your only handicap is guilt, doubt, self-punishment and thinking you do not deserve such goodness along with the fear it is too good to be true and one day your new swimming companions will ask you to leave.
“If they reject me, my old swimming companions are just waiting to laugh at me and throw it in my face.”

You worry and obsess over it so much, you actually attract it and one day you are asked to leave the nice warm pool that was like Nirvana to your once battered body. This is bad. Quite a let down! For a while you are crushed and stand up, pooless, torn between trying another new swimming pool or going back to the swimming pool you were born into.
“I can’t go back! No matter what, I can only go forward!” you say. It is not easy for you. Your first ever swimming companions are laughing at you and saying, “Told you so!”. Your new swimming companions have tired of your neediness and lack of self-worth. You are all alone.

Or are you?

It is at that moment you realise that your skin, once damaged by the harsh chemicals of your home swimming pool has long healed and is healthy and glowing. Your eyes have long recovered from the chlorine damage. You still have your strength, which is remarkable for someone your age, with the disadvantages you have suffered. Despite everything, somehow, it seems like there is a plan that takes care of you. You decide to trust it. It tells you,
“Did you know little child that you do not have to join anyone elses’ swimming pool? You can design and dig your own pool and fill it with just your kind of water and invite just your kind of swimming companions. You have the ability to do it!”

Wow! You had no idea! You decide to give it a try and as soon as you resolve to make it happen, the tools appear for you to do it. In time, you have a nice pool all your own. It is your design, your colour, your kind of water and just right for you. Well, not just you. Lo and behold, a friendly person shows up, tips their toe in and asks if they can join you. You let them in and they turn out to be a wonderful swimming companion who also wants to help you maintain the pool and add their little touches to it. In time, you have a gorgeous lagoon-like pool that could rival that of the Playboy Mansion, grotto and all.

Sadly, you cannot invite your old swimming companions into your pool because unless they are willing to completely change, they will contaminate your hard earned swimming space. And you cannot return to their unhealthy swimming pool either. But if unconditional love prevails, there is no reason why you cannot both step out of your pools and meet at the nearby gazebo.

Still, it bugs you that your first ever swimming companions are so far away now. It bugs you even more that they are still in such unhealthy water back at the old swimming pool and still being so unkind, especially now that you know how wonderful life could be for them if they could only see beyond their own experiences. Sadly, you cannot invite them into your pool because unless they are willing to completely change, they will contaminate your hard earned swimming space. You call them from time to time but they keep on insisting,
“If you want to have a relationship with us, you have to come into our pool and swim our way. If you love us, you will come back into our swimming pool.”
“I cannot do that,” you tell them. “It is unhealthy for me! Can’t you see how radiant I am now? I don’t want to go back to how I was! It does not mean I do not love you but what I have built here is beyond anything I have ever had!But I am willing to compromise, we can both step out of our pools and meet by the gazebo nearby.”

Although they hate to admit it, the proof is evident. They can see how well you look; how strong you are; how happy you are and how well you are doing not just for yourself but for others as well. They have before them ample evidence that happiness, fulfillment and love is not contingent on their way of doing things and perhaps even that their way hinders it just a little bit.

You are not about to wait for them to change because it is not about them anyway, it never was. You are now challenged to learn how to accept the good in your life with total gratitude and a feeling of deservedness no matter which pool you started off in.

You were given an amazing ability. Once you are able to take responsibility for your soul's growth, you can design and dig your own pool and fill it with just your kind of water and invite just your kind of swimming companions. So do it and dive in!

No More New Year's Resolutions!

We are well into January already but I still want to say Happy New Year to everyone who visits my blog.

I have no New Year’s resolutions for 2009 because I tend not to set overly specific yearly goals. If there is anything life has taught me is that my Creator knows infinitely better what is perfect for me than I do. Whenever I allow my own ego to dictate what, where and when, it never turns out as completely beneficial to my soul as when I allow myself to be guided moment by moment, living totally in the now.

I watch my colleagues struggling to run the rat race everyday and I want to tell them, “Slow down and just leave a little room for frivolity, doubt and other options. In that time between rushing and that space between tightly packed together bits of certainties; that is where the Divine can infiltrate and make things happen beyond your wildest expectations.

Case in point: At one time I had convinced myself that the way out of my rut in Trinidad was to study, live and work in the US. I resolved to make it happen the next year and started striving towards that goal with everything I had. One day, desperate for validation that my dreams of a new life in America would come true I visited one of my spiritual counselors who is also a healer and psychic. She’s really good and unlike the scam artists out there, she is known only by those in the know. She does not advertise and shies away from publicity and money-making exposure. She constantly amazes me and that time was no different. When she told me that I would soon be leaving Trinidad, I was so happy. Then when she added, “For a Caribbean island,”. I was bummed. I asked her which island and she said she was getting a vibe about St. Lucia.

St. Lucia was the farthest thing from my mind and my plans. I knew nobody in that island. I had never been and had no intention of ever going. I had no reason to even think there would be any prospects there. I convinced myself that this time, my spiritual sister was off base…..way off base.

About six months later I was let go from Lonsdale Saatchi & Saatchi after they lost the TSTT account. I started freelancing as a writer, still planning my escape to the USA. All of a sudden my plans hit a snag, a financial snag. I had a serious moment of crisis of everything from faith to my relationship with my fiancée. Just when it seemed hopeless, I was presented with three job offers. One was a position as a senior creative writer in Jamaica. As a lesbian who has grown comfortable living honestly among a little tolerant niche here in Trinidad, that offer was no dice! I have heard the horror stories about Jamaica directly from gay people, including a lesbian who was gang raped and then told, "It good for you!" from the police when she reported it.

The other was a position as a writer in a local ad agency. I was seriously considering it. Then the last offer was to take a challenge and lead the creative team at a fledgling new agency in, you guessed it, St. Lucia. I chose St. Lucia and it was only when my plane was landing in Castries I remembered the psychic reading and had an “Ah ha!” moment.

Since that time, I have had a good look back at my life and it is very clear, there is a Purpose and a Hand guiding things that is infinitely wiser than I am. Yes, it is scary to live this way sometimes but the reward is less stress, more contentment, fuller living, richer experiences and most of all a feeling of being free of this race to, “get somewhere”, often against the flow of the Universe and against your best interests. I watch my colleagues struggling to run the rat race everyday and I want to tell them, “Slow down and just leave a little room for frivolity, doubt and other options. In that time between rushing and that space between tightly packed together bits of certainties; that is where the Divine can infiltrate and make things happen beyond your wildest expectations".

So if you do not set yearly goals how do you know your soul is making progress at all? Well, why measure goals year by year? Why not set a life goal for your soul’s present stint on this planet instead of short term goals that only fulfill what you can see over the tip of your nose for the next twelve months. We have a way of dropping the ball when we think, "Ah I've arrived!". I know of women who make a new year's resolution EVERY YEAR to lose weight. All they see is the weight they have now, not the long term cause behind it. By August or so, they lose the desired amount of pounds. By Christmas they have gained it all back. They have to resolve to lose it again. It is so much better to just address the cause and know that it will be a LIFETIME of work. When the New Year comes, all you have to say is, "Well, the journey continues! I am on my way, YEAH!"

My life goal is to fearlessly pursue and enjoy inner peace, happiness and real abundance that comes from connection with my Divine Parents, knowing myself, allowing myself to be loved, loving others and my earthly home. How do I know if I am making headway? Well, I look at how often I got angry and vengeful or self-loathing and full of despair and measure it against how often I was understanding and forgiving and loved myself and demonstrated faith in my Divine Parents. Keeping a journal helps you to chart this a lot better. Things like material gains, career accomplishments, health & beauty, sex life, relationships all fall into place around those simple measurements.

Last year, I had one less moment of utter despair and doubt in my Divine Parents than the year before, so I guess I am learning finally. Go me! Now that I have first ten feet down, I have the rest of the 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,+ feet to climb!

And What Was All The Fuss About?

It’s over! Christmas has come and gone and as John Lennon once asked, “And what have we done?” Really what?

The recession boogie man and fearful financial forecasts revealed a glaring deficiency in our Christmas celebrations. It is now so obvious that many people’s “reason for the season”, is as weak as the justification for the celebration itself.
Without money to spend or without the will to spend too much of it to create the usual showy display of Christmas magic, namely, perfectly painted homes, blinding lights, presents for every man jack, enough grog to open a bar and enough food to feed a small village, many householders were rather Scroogy this year. Those who tried to maintain the glitz are now gnashing their teeth in expectation of the credit card bill.

To add insult to injury, this year even Mother Nature seemed to revolt against the season with torrential rains during what is supposed to be our Petit Carem of clear blue skies with bright sunshine in the day and clear starlight nights with balmy breezes in the evening. Instead we had gloomy views, floods, landslides and a dank, humid and bothersome air all around us. The crime rate escalated during a season that celebrates the, “Prince of Peace”. The traffic had people feeling anything but, “Goodwill to all men,”, it was more of a, “Get outta meh blasted way!” vibe that not even a strong ponche a crème could have cured. Road fatalities reached natural disaster proportions.

Many were trying desperately to hold on to some kind of substantiation for the season. On the Gayelle Channel, there was a call-in segment with Conrad Paris on the true meaning of Christmas. He seemed rather depressed that for so many, the season had no spiritual significance. Then again, the spiritual foundation of the celebration has been hindered by the fact that almost everyone knows by now that Jesus Christ was not born on December 25th. Nowhere in the New Testament did Christ decree for his followers to observe his birthday, in fact the first Christians never celebrated Christmas. Everyone knows we are basically celebrating a “made-up” religious holiday.

Where did Christmas come from?

In the 4th century CE, Christianity was adopted by the Roman Empire but it was still a struggling sect as far as popularity went, bombarded on all sides by pagans throughout the empire. Most preferred their polytheistic spirituality and worshiped the Sun God, especially his re-birth during the Winter Solstice from December 21st. In the eastern territories of Rome, they too observed the birth of their Gods through the Goddess from Osirius to Mithras.



Yule logs, evergreen trees and mistletoe are all pagan in origin.

To the north in Germany, Gaul and Britannia, pagans and Druids danced around the fire during Winter Solstices, burned Yule logs, decorated evergreen trees. Mistletoe was used by Druid priests 200 years before the birth of Christ in their winter celebrations. They revered the plant since it had no roots yet remained green during the cold months of winter. The ancient Celtics believed mistletoe to have magical healing powers. Enemies who met under mistletoe would lay down their weapons and embrace. Scandanavians associated the plant with Frigga, their Goddess of love, and it may be from this that we derive the custom of kissing under the mistletoe although the pagans did a lot more than kissing under it, if you know what I mean. In Rome, the people observed Saturnalia which celebrated the rebirth of the Invinsible Sun-God and the God of cultivation Saturn. It too occurred around the Winter Solstice, the time of the longest night from which point the sun waxed in strength and the days began to get longer. December 25th was the high point of the celebration.

So here it was that all around the Christians, these merry pagans had engaging, exciting festivities full of dance, song and revelry. What did the Christians have to compete with it? Nothing. Christianity was supposed to be a very staid, unadorned, decidedly somber religion with just Christ on a cross, rejection of all materialism and pleasure in favor of heavenly reward after death. If you read the letters of the Apostle Paul, you can derive that he would be the greatest party pooper in history. In addition Christianity was an off-shoot of the Jewish tradition and Jews never celebrated births, not even of important figures. How a person died was of more significance than the date they were born. Still, despite this precedent, the early Christian church in Rome had to do something to be more appealing to the masses. They needed to market Christianity to pagans as a religion that was also celebratory and ritualistic.



The early Roman Catholic Church had to find a way to compete with the merriment and festivals of the pagans. Christianity was a very unadorned and staid religion by comparison and the pagans loved their celebrations, like Saturnalia, the observation of the rebirth of the Invincsible Sun (seen here) celebrated from December 21st to 25th.

That was how it came to pass that the early Roman Catholic church, hoping to win more pagan converts to Christianity, promised the pagans that they could continue to celebrate the Saturnalia as Christians. Of course, there is nothing intrinsically Christian about Saturnalia. To remedy this, these Christian leaders named Saturnalia’s concluding day, December 25th, to be Jesus’ birthday. In 529 A.D, five centuries after Jesus Christ, that Emperor Justinian made Christmas a civic holiday. Throughout the empire, from Asia Minor to the British Isles and Scandinavia, the pagans, now young Christian converts, melded their old traditions with that of this strange new religion which they were now obligated to follow under pain of death.
It was centuries later when the authorized Bible became available to the common people in England by the decree of King James the II in 1611 that people began to discover the pagan roots of Christmas. It would surprise many to know that one of the reforming sects to come out of Protestant England, the Puritans, outlawed Christmas as heathen and witchcraft. Early America was not the Christmas frenzied place it is now when the Puritans came over to colonize the North Eastern States, like Massachusetts. In fact, Christmas was only resurrected later on thanks to the arrival of Roman Catholics from Ireland, France, Spain and Portugal, along with the other Lutheran originated sects that still chose to overlook the decidedly non-Christian roots of the festival. If the Puritans held more sway, America would be quite different when it came to Christmas today.


I know some Christians who love Christmas to the bone and the shock of this historical truth makes them take great insult. Many who already know the truth simply choose to overlook it and concentrate on the warm, fuzzy feelings of the season, which revolve mainly around family, feasting and fun. However, as we have seen, when these become unavailable, because of financial constraints, there is little of any significance to fill the deep void. For some, the feeling of betrayal they feel when they learn that Christmas is a ripped-off, hodge-podge of other ancient cultures and their symbols, dates and spirituality and has absolutely nothing to do with Jesus’ birth, is similar to that heart crushing day when they found out that their parents were lying to them about Santa Claus.
Perhaps it is for this reason, more than anything else, that so many cannot find it in their heart anymore to continue with what they see as a religious charade. Perhaps it is why it is so hard to fight the commercialization and secularisaton of the season. If it truly was based on something real, there would be no way to justify making it politically correct, no matter who it offended. But how can you honestly get angry when the PC police change “Merry Christmas” to “Happy Holidays” when Christmas has nothing to do with Christ in the first place and the religious tradition was based on pagan plagiarism?

I am not Christian. I am an independent spiritual journey-maker. I had a wonderful, pleasurable Winter Solstice celebration on December 21st, full of spiritual ecstasy, deep reverential communing with my Divine Father, magical work, feasting and love-making. I can celebrate this season and do so with authenticity. While I admire and appreciate deeply what Jesus taught, what his work and sacrifice means to me and I agree with much of the Christian spiritual message, when it comes to observances, I’d rather follow what is true, original and organically meaningful. However, I respect everyone’s right to celebrate what they choose and rather than rib my Christian friends over this conundrum they face, I would like to help them recapture some kind of authentic value in what they are celebrating on December 25th, even if it is not the actual birthday of Jesus. After all, it should not be the job of anyone to try to convert anyone else away from their spiritual path but help them walk their path more truly in peace and happiness.

So what is the truth, the universal truth about the Divine being born? Why do so many religions have the dynamic of a male Divine Being being re-born through a female, every year? What is the significance of rebirth? Perhaps through understanding this truth and why it is so spiritually poignant can help struggling Christians appreciate their remake of the original.

It used to be that early Christians, before Roman influence, only concentrated on how Jesus lived, his message and the significance of his death. The later addition of his birth by the powerfully elected Roman Church created a wheel of life very similar to what pagans had. First, God is born through a female, whether a mortal woman or a Goddess or some combination of both. God reaches full power, creates, heals, inspires. God sacrifices his life for the good of mankind. God is reborn again. Repeat.

For the pagans, the Sun and the harvest was seen as a parallel of the God. The cutting down of the vine and the wheat coincided with the waning of the sun and represented the God being sacrificed for humankind’s sake. In our tropical climate here in Trinidad and Tobago, it may be hard to deeply feel the significance of the sun. We take it for granted. However, if you have ever experienced the bitter cold of winter, you know that it is vital to life. Its seeming cycle around the earth (actually it is the earth revolving around the sun) is like the cycle of life itself. For indigenous people’s who derive their spirituality from nature, the equation is very simple. Within this simplicity is a deeper truth. Like the sun, God brings us life. Change is the very essence of life and so a life-giving God must therefore undergo transformation. God’s death and rebirth every year or at least the celebration of it, is the recognition that God represents ultimate life and ultimate transformation. Through God’s transformation, we too can transform and grow and our transformation and growth is evidence that we too are alive in God.

For Christians, this transformation can be their decision to follow Christ and accept salvation through him. This is what is truly significant about his birth, whenever it happened. For those of us for whom salvation is not an issue, the Winter Solstice, is the celebration of our long year’s walk with God and the hope of a new dawn of yet another leg of our soul’s journey in the coming year. My growth as in infinite being, created by an even more Infinite God, is as assured as the sun that rises on that Winter Solstice dawn because I am bonded to a God that also grows, at light year speeds no less.



Winter Solstice celebration by modern day pagans and spiritual eclectics at Stonehenge.

So, okay, Christ was not born on December 25th but there can be no doubt that the messages of peace, joy, hope and generosity of heart and spirit are vital to our souls as individuals and as a community, Christian or not. If Scrooginess took hold because of low cash flow, criminal bombardment, empty materialism and over-sensitive secularism, remember this, at the heart of every tradition is a seed of truth somewhere. If you hold on to just that while the convoluted Christmas hurricane swirls around you, you will be safely rooted and ready to blossom after the chaos of the season settles.







All around the world, in almost every religious tradition, a Goddess or mortal woman gives birth to a God. There is a universal truth to be found in this.

Hope you had a Merry Christmas and/or blessed Yuletide! If you didn’t have one this year, may the one in 2009 be far more meaningful, for the right reasons.

Monogamy Part 2- Making The Dream Possible

Monogamy Requires Special Abilities

Not everyone has the body type, flexibility, physical stamina or emotional commitment to be an Olympic pairs figure skater, which involves putting the body into forced positions and the same goes for monogamy which is just as unnatural as figure skating.

Imagine if all your life, your parents, your religion and society told you that you had to be an Olympic pairs figure skater in order to be happy, accepted respected and spiritually sound. Regardless of your physical ability, availability of a place to train or freedom to learn, you were expected to just know how to perform triple flips, camel spins and contort your body while balancing on one narrow blade, while moving at breakneck speeds on slippery ice. You look at your parents and see that much like everyone else around they are also skating on ice but far below Olympic standards. They fall on their asses everyday, more times than you can count. Yet, they keep asserting, that somehow you are supposed to do this better than they did.

It just does not make sense! Neither does a lifetime of monogamy starting from your very first relationship.

Not everyone has the body type, flexibility, physical stamina or emotional commitment to be an Olympic pairs figure skater. It involves putting the body into forced positions and it is not something everyone can do naturally. If you read the first article, you will know that monogamy is just as unnatural as figure skating. It goes against our intrinsic nature. It can therefore only come from serious practice, true commitment and most of all, the temperament, emotional stability and stamina for the sacrifices involved. Forcing everyone to be monogamous has resulted in inarguable failure. Yet we fail to admit it and keep on falling on our asses. When will we learn?

Does this sound dismal to you? Cheer up. Just as there are a rare few with the natural potential for exquisitely graceful, effortless figure skating, there are those with pre-existing favourable qualities for monogamy like: a strong sense of your purpose in life, selflessness, humility, kindness, patience, the ability to forgive, a sense of humour, a sense of personal responsibility, self-esteem, the desire to learn and perfect yourself and the ability and/or desire to love another person unconditionally the way God loves you.

It is unfair to expect everyone to naturally perform a lifetime of triple axels with one person for life, especially if it is their very first time on the ice with their very first partner. Sometimes you need practice with several partners before finding the right one. The vast majority do not luck out and find the perfect partner on the first skate, not even your parents.

Not everyone is born with these qualities but just as some Olympic figure skaters can become very proficient and athletic through practice, these attributes can be learned. So never fear, even if you aren’t naturally blessed with a monogamous mentality you can make a commitment to it that comes from maturity and learning from your experiences. And that brings us to….

Monogamy Is Not For Novices

The most boasted about "virgin until marriage" shows that sometimes experience trumps religious morality when it comes to successful monogamy.

It is unfair to expect everyone to naturally perform a lifetime of triple axels with one person for life, especially if it is their very first time on the ice. Just as with figure skating, even those with the natural gift for monogamy also require individual experience. That’s right; you need to be a mature, well-lived, self-enlightened person to enjoy successful monogamy. In addition, you need practice with several partners before finding the right one. The vast majority do not luck out and find the perfect partner on the first skate, not even your parents. You need to first know who and what works best for you before you commit and that means availing yourself of the opportunity to a few intimate relationships. If you are really sharp about knowing thyself, all it takes is one just former relationship to teach you all about yourself, what quality of mate you deserve, what your deal makers and deal breakers are. Then based on this, you can make a more informed decision about whom you intend to train and skate with for life the second time around.

The Associated Press analyzed divorce statistics from the US Census Bureau. They found that Massachusetts had the lowest divorce rate in the U.S. at 2.4 per 1,000 population. Texas had the highest rate and the highest divorce rates are found in the "Bible Belt."

The fact that monogamy requires existing ability or learned ability is why I cannot support the “abstain till marriage” movement which results in young people marrying the first person they fall in love with, just to sanction their desire to take the relationship to the next sexual step. These engaged and under-aged couples are not getting married in the 1920s with social constraints and female subjugation to force them to stay together through unhappiness, unexpected self-discoveries, drastic changes in life goals, financial challenges, infidelity and disastrous incompatibility. In our day we are demanding more emotional, spiritual and sexual fulfilment in our relationships; women in particular are not as long suffering towards men as they used to be. As a result, current statistics on divorce and demographics show Evangelical sects (who push the abstinence before marriage with the most fervour) are having the highest rates of failed marriages.

The Associated Press analyzed divorce statistics from the US Census Bureau. They found that Massachusetts had the lowest divorce rate in the U.S. at 2.4 per 1,000 population. Texas had the highest rate and the highest divorce rates are found in the "Bible Belt."

According to the Boston Globe:
"The AP report stated that 'the divorce rates in these conservative states are roughly 50 percent above the national average of 4.2 per thousand people.' The 10 Southern states with some of the highest divorce rates were Alabama, Arkansas, Arizona, Florida, Georgia, Mississippi, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, and Texas. By comparison nine states in the Northeast were among those with the lowest divorce rates: Connecticut, Massachusetts, Maine, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, and Vermont."

One reason for the higher divorce rates in the Bible Belt may be the lower percentage of Roman Catholics in the South. But the study points overwhelmingly to culture not just religion. The fact is that:

1. Couples in the South enter their first marriages at a younger age.

2. Family incomes in the South are lower which puts a strain on relationships

3. Educational attainment is lower in the South: One in three Massachusetts residents have completed college. while only 23% of Texans have. College graduates marry later on and tend to acquire more life experiences and self-knowledge by that time.

Let's hope the Purity Ring Wearing Jonas Brothers do not make the mistake of marrying the first person they fall in love with way too young, like so many have done to regret later on.

To make matters worse, a large number of these young, inexperienced, couples were led to believe some unfortunate and simplistic lies:
1. That somehow marriage in of itself is some kind of magical, holy thing that will pave the way for them becoming one with their spouse
2. Their spouse will complete that missing half and everything they will ever need for their life’s happiness and personally fulfilment will be found in their marriage
3. Applying Paul’s (a man who never had a mate for life) opinions on marriage will automatically make everything ay okay, because everything in the bible is infallible and universally applicable.

Every day, thousands of couples around the world continue to say “I do” in front of friends and family without the slightest clue about what they are getting into. Most of them are not even good candidates for monogamy. Even those who are, do not even know themselves well enough to set the terms (coming up later) of their relationship. Some have all kinds of personal demons, hidden agendas, emotional deficiencies that cannot be solved in marriage but through individual therapy.

Some people just disqualify for monogamy: control freaks, the emotionally shallow, low self-esteem cases and those who simply just function best alone. I call them lone wolves.

I read a heart wrenching story of a young woman in Texas, raised in a strict Christian home. She and her boyfriend (they were each other’s firsts) wore their purity rings and abstained till they married at 21. After just two years, they had to divorce. On their honeymoon, sex was extremely awkward and unfulfilling for them both. She managed to get pregnant in their third month of marriage but sexual intimacy continued to be a challenge and he became more and more depressed and distant. Eventually he confessed to her that he was gay. She of course, had no idea (most gay men can easily fly under the radar) and was madly in love with him. He loved her too but he loved her as a friend. He thought the power of prayer and getting married to the only woman he felt close enough to, could change his orientation but he realised he was wrong. In the 1920s they would have probably stayed married and led a miserable life full of secrets and lies. If both these young people had been allowed to date at least one other person and have a longer period of self-discovery before such a big commitment and kids came into the picture, this could have been avoided. The divorce rate; currently at 65% in some states will hit 70% if this madness continues.

The fact of the matter is whether we realize it or not, we are now smarter than the myths. The first step in finding the balance is to be honest about what a committed relationship truly is and what the purpose of monogamy is.

What Is The Purpose Of Monogamy?

If you read the first article you know now that monogamy is not needed to build a successful civilization or raise children. A committed relationship between two consenting adults, is also not the culmination, the prize, the salvation or the happily ever of fairytales. A committed relationship is simply a safe, intimate forum you and your beloved have created to each work on your personal shit. That’s right! It is an exclusive support group of two! It is not a magical state of being! It does not all by itself create stability and happiness. It gives back to you only what you are willing to invest in it, no more, no less.

Yes, it is considerably less romantic, but all a monogamous relationship does is provide a safe forum for both of you to work out your shit. It is an exclusive support group of two, with hopefully some good sex thrown in.

Yeah, I know this sounds considerably less romantic but it is better you find this out today than experience the disappointment after the afterglow of the glamorous wedding, exotic honeymoon and first year of newlywed sex fades and you realize all you are left with is: your baggage, your partner’s baggage and your joint ability to deal with it and life’s challenges that come helter skelter at you. Remember that you do not need another person in your life to deal with your baggage. In fact, for most people I recommend that they do not pull anyone else into their quicksand of dysfunction. If you are fiercely independent, have trust issues, unhealthy addictions or do not even recognize your need to learn and grow and are simply looking for a happy ending, monogamy is not for you. If you are too weak to support your emotional growth and nurture yourself, monogamy is not for you because you have to be strong enough to share each other’s emotional load. The weak and needy end up becoming a parasitic burden in such arrangements. Others who disqualify for monogamy: control freaks, the emotionally shallow, low self-esteem cases and those who simply just function best alone. I call them lone wolves.

So before you make a lasting commitment ask yourself: Am I truly monogamy material? If you still want to commit, but you know you have problems with some of the pro- monogamy attributes, perhaps you should address these right now and let your beloved know before-hand that you are not ready. Still, think you are ready? Good! Before you commit….

Negotiate the terms of your monogamy!

Imagine some people spend more time negotiating over the price of a pound of plantains at the market than the deal-breakers and allowances within their relationship. Again, this is why monogamy is not for novices who believe in fairytales and religious oversimplification. If you and your spouse have some former experience and maturity, you can draw up a much more comprehensive and personalised monogamous contract based on everything you have learned and know works best for you. Some things you must discuss are:

• What is considered cheating? For some couples, fantasizing about another is perfectly fine, even titillating. For others, this is a no-no. For some, their hubby could take a l’il wine on another person for Carnival, for others this is a no-no. I personally have no problem with my partner lusting over others. What I consider unacceptable is emotional intimacy with someone else on the same level we share. I find that even more offensive than sex.
• What are the deal-breakers? Sex outside? Lying? Physical or sexual abuse? Drug addiction? Betrayal? Refusal to contribute financially? Change of religious or ethical values? You need to discuss your expectations and your limits to forgiveness, co-habitation and relationship status. Of course, keep in mind the longer a relationship goes on for, the deeper your investment and the more you find you are able to forgive.
• Can past lovers and outside crushes be discussed without judgement? I recommend that they should be. It builds honesty and keeps you aware of what your partner is feeling, gives you insights into their personality and sexuality and perhaps what they may be needing from you.
• What is the protocol if you are no longer in-love? Yes, it happens. The time comes when your love can turn more to Agape with no trace of Eros whatsoever. Some couples still remain together because the friendship and companionship is what is really important to them. Sometimes after a long winter a spring full of hot sex may return and they fall in love all over again. Sometimes it never does. You need to discuss what you will do in such a case. Some agree to stay together as friends and life- partners and seek sexual satisfaction outside with the blessing of their spouse by redefining their monogamy as “emotional and family monogamy” only. I have no idea what my partner and I will do but the most important thing in such a situation is HONESTY. My mate and I have agreed to tell each other when the flame goes out, BEFORE we look elsewhere.

Have you sat down with your beloved and worked out the terms of your monogamy yet? If not, do it today!

Monogamy Must Be Your Choice And Done For Your Benefit

No church, politician or parent can force monogamy on you or anyone else. They have never been successful at it anyway. If you are being faithful only because of what other people have said or out of fear of Divine punishment, your commitment will always be tinged with resentment and a feeling of being trapped. If you believe powerless unhappiness is somehow a virtue that your God will reward later on, I guess you can do like my grandmother and stay married to a man who did not hesitate to demonstrate for fifty years that he resented being married to her. All that did was create a loveless, abusive home in which my father and his siblings were raised to be dysfunctional adults with failed marriages and countless other self-esteem problems of their own.

If instead you believe that joy is a spiritual virtue and the Creator intended for you happiness and empowerment you will always be responsible for your own choices. Some people were just meant to be together but it takes a few mistakes before they find each other. I want you to have a successful monogamous relationship! I do not want you to be monogamous for monogamy’s sake! It does not contribute to you being a successful human being. Monogamy must not be done even for your partner’s sake but for your sake. That may sound selfish at first but when those difficult times and temptations arise, you will see the wisdom in it. Trust me.

The main purpose and motivator behind your commitment to be monogamous should always be:

“I want (Name) to intimately and exclusively share my process of growth while they intimately and exclusively share their process of growth with me. I choose to commit to grow together through making each-other happy and learning how to truly love each other like God loves us, unconditionally. I choose to do it for me. I do it because it aids me in becoming a better person. ”

Make no mistake monogamy means DEPRIVATION! Olympic pairs skater Rena Inoue may be tempted to eat donuts but she MUST deprive herself. She does this, not for her partner's sake, or America's sake or her coach's sake but because she WANTS to! She wants that gold medal! She wants all that training to pay off!

Only when this reason no longer applies does the monogamy end. This trumps all other reasons including, “Staying together for the kids” or staying together because, “Divorce is a sin,” The foundation of your monogamy, must be based on unconditional love and personal growth. If you are with someone who refuses to learn to love you unconditionally and/or you cannot love them unconditionally and being with them contributes zero to your growth as a person and in fact retards it, then you can leave with your head held high. When you both choose monogamy because it is what you both want for your own benefit, you are truly setting yourself up for success. Let us put this to the test, shall we?

When Monogamy Is Tested


Scenario: You are three years into your relationship and during a particularly rough time in your relationship, a co-worker enters your life. This person’s qualities literally blow your spouse out of the water! They make your beloved look like chicken feed and most of all; they are just as attracted to you as you are to them. It’s so intense, you being to wonder if you picked the right soul mate. What do you do?

Make no mistake, monogamy MEANS deprivation! Just like learning how to figure skate means giving up fatty foods and no longer having the luxury of sleeping late, when you choose monogamy, you are choosing to deprive yourself of other potentially wonderful new lovers and romantic experiences. And no, “Love for your spouse does not make everything just go away”. It just makes you feel torn and sad. When you confess to your life-partner that someone else has captured your eye and they feel insecure and hurt your heart breaks for them. By the way, if you have a healthy relationship, you should be able to do this without being punished or held in derision as sooner or later your spouse/partner will require the very same understanding of you.

Now if your only motivation to remain monogamous was religious guilt or loyalty to your spouse, you are standing on very shaky ground when faced with this tempting scenario. Religious guilt and fear of God is easier to overcome than most people think. If it wasn’t, you would not have so many confessing their sins every Sunday. As someone who grew up in a staunch evangelical sect, I cannot even begin to count the number of sexual indiscretions committed by the “God-fearing” in my congregation. You see, more often than not, when you find yourself in a situation with this superior crush, where it feels oh so right, I guarantee that some distant notion of Divine punishment in the after-life will be the furthest thing from your mind! You will always find a way to talk yourself into it and justify it, including, “God will forgive me, I am weak and a sinner”.

If the fear of God or hell was enough to stop sexual infidelity, you would not have so many god-fearing people having to confess anything so often. In the heat of the moment, the last thing people think about is some distant notion of Divine punishment.

Loyalty to your spouse/partner can also vary. The day your spouse seriously angers, disappoints or frustrates is the day you are wide open to cheating with this crush of yours. In the heat of your displeasure, you will not be particularly inclined to be loyal to your partner. You will not believe how much cheating (revenge fucking) happens this way. Some they feel they “deserve” to get some on the side when their partner lets them down.

On the other hand, if you are motivated by looking out for your best interests, your will is strong as like pairs figure skaters Rena Inoue and John Baldwin, the first and only figure skating pair team to land a throw triple axel. When they are in training for the Figure Skating World Championships, there is no way Rena is going to have a plate of donuts because as tempting as they smell, the scent of that gold medal and those endorsement deals with Nike are stronger. She deprives and punishes her body, not for America, not for her parents not even for her coach or her partner John, but for herself. Similarly, you can make the choice to deprive yourself of other potentially more wonderful lovers with far more confidence and no resentment if you are doing it for you. Of course, you have to believe you deserve that much! Again, that is why low self-esteem cases are not monogamy material. If you believe that you deserve a wonderful, safe, intimate space with your partner, where you can be loved unconditionally and grow with honest feedback and confidentiality, it trumps all, even a hot crush.

Isn’t preparing yourself for outside attraction paving the way to failure before you even begin? No. It is being honest and smart because the outside attraction WILL happen whether you plan for it or not.

But let’s imagine, the worst happened and Rena indulges in a donut and gains an extra two pounds. She knows the price she has to pay. Her partner, when he finds out and he will when he lifts her, knows the price as well. If you flirt, kiss or invest any emotion into this hot crush, the price will be hard to pay! You must know that. First, you have to confess your cheating and hope that your life-partner, will not quit you as a partner over a momentary sugar rush weakness and throw away the years of training you invested together. If they choose to still train with you, you have to submit to scrutiny and your partner’s hurt and betrayal. You must submit yourself to the required work-out to burn off those calories. You have to allow the long path to forgiveness and work twice as hard to regain their trust. In return, when your training partner sees you busting your ass and going the distance for them they cannot keep resenting you for one donut, even if you fail at the Championships.

If you gave in and had a bite of the donut, you HAVE to tell your skating partner and hope when they weigh the training and goals ahead and their own feelings, they are still willing to keep training with you.

If cheating was a deal-breaker in your initial negotiations but your infidelity was forgiven, you have just negotiated a new deal. If they continue to hold it against you, and keep punishing you and blaming you, they do not love you unconditionally, the old deal still applies and your contract is over. End it and move on. If you find cheating easy to do, you aren’t really giving your relationship 100% or the foundation is cracked or a deal in your relationship has been broken and you have not the guts to end it before moving on. There is also the chance that you simply are not monogamy material. Take your pick.

If you are giving your relationship your all, you simply do not have the energy to cheat. Honestly, you don't.

You ask: Isn’t preparing yourself for outside attraction paving the way to failure before you even begin? No. It is being honest. You see, the outside attraction WILL happen, whether you plan for it or not. But at least if you have discussed this eventuality before with your partner, that honesty and safety zone created is what will allow you to tell your partner,
“Honey, there is a woman at work who I find really attractive,” instead of keeping it a secret and letting it fester to the point where it becomes a big problem. In turn, your partner cannot get mad or upset at you because you both know it was bound to happen. She is now allowed to ask,
“Why do you find her so attractive?”That knowledge can prove to be extremely useful to someone who is keen on self-improvement through accepting every lesson life has to offer. I will tell you how later when we get to the benefits of monogamy.

If your relationship is healthy, you should be able to tell eachother about outside crushes freely. If you cannot deal with spells of discomfort over outside attractions and feeling inadequate and then learning toovercome it, monogamy is NOT for you.

I tell my hubby about all my crushes and visa versa. Most of the time, it is harmless and we laugh about it. On one occasion, my attraction to another person occurred during a very difficult time in our relationship. The qualities I longed for in my hubby, I saw in someone else and it appealed to me. Admitting that to my partner was hard and it was not well received. I never intended to pursue the object of my crush, no matter how compelling my feelings. Still, things were unpleasant between my hubby and me for quite some time. But spells of discomfort over potential lovers and feeling inadequate and then learning toovercome it is part and parcel of a healthy monogamous relationship. If you cannot handle that, monogamy is NOT for you.

When your monogamy is based on a commitment to learn about yourself and grow together with your beloved not only does it become an exclusive support group of two but you become extremely possessive and protective of it. Note I said, of IT, not of your mate. This brings us to the difference between unconditional love and ownership.

Successful Monogamy Is Based On Unconditional Love Not Ownership

When your relationship becomes a support group project over which you both rule and protect, you are able to hold on to your separate identities yet share a common goal. Remember you are not ONE as the simplistic, fluffy sentiments would have you believe. Nor does one person belong to the other. This loss of identity is often what scares many people away from monogamous relationships.

A man who stalks and harasses his ex-girlfriend (a common problem in Trinidad and Tobago) and ends up committing acts of violence or murder against her does not love that woman. He may argue differently but the fact of the matter is that his love is a childish, possessive, selfish dependency. She is MINE! Nobody else can have her! This kind of ownership does not respect the individuality of the person or desire their happiness. We all know the signs and the Dear Auntie Agony Letters:

Dear Aunty Agony,

Me and my girlfriend broke up two years ago and I really thought I moved on. Then I saw her with her new boyfriend and all the feelings I had came rushing back. I cannot stop thinking about her. I tried calling and e-mailing but after a while, she said she does not want to talk with me. I know she says she is happy but I am so much better for her than he is. Can’t she see I love her! Should I try to fight for her love or is it a lost cause?

Still in love.
If I were Aunty Agony, I would reply:

Still in love,
You are not in love with your girlfriend. You are in love with how she made you feel. You think that her only reason for living should be to keep on making you feel the way you want to feel. You do not truly wish for her happiness, peace of mind and her future. You only care about yourself. I suggest you learn what unconditional love is. It is loving someone whether they choose you or not. It is above all else, wanting their happiness and finding joy in their joy, even if initially it hurts to have your relationship with them change from lover to mere acquaintance. You have a lot of growing up and emotional maturity to gain. Best of luck and stop harassing her!

I read a true story of a couple in their nineties. They had been married for seventy years and after two world wars, the Great Depression, social changes, technological wonders, children, grandchildren and great grandchildren, the 95 year old wife told her 98 year old husband,
“Honey, I love you but I met a man in the retirement home and he makes me feel things I never imagined I could feel! I do not know what to do.”Do you know what her husband said?
“You have given me seventy years of love. What more could I ask of you? So go with my blessing and pursue your happiness darling. I will be here waiting for you no matter what.”

Perhaps it is the wisdom of old age and perhaps it takes that long to learn the meaning of unconditional love. I know if my hubby were to tell me they truly found the ONE and it is not me, I will be crushed. Actually, I would be pulverized. That would be the worse tabanca ever! Believe me, I will plunge into the spiral of anger, hurt, shame, resentment, cynicism and sadness and lose about 20lbs. But ultimately, as I heal and forgive myself and my hubby, I will remember how much I truly love them. I will realize that I still do love them whether they are with me or not. My main commitment was to love them unconditionally and that stands no matter what. Even if I cannot have their romantic love, their happiness and friendship will have to suffice. That my friends, is the difference between ownership and unconditional love! Still willing to take the monogamous route? Good! So let’s talk about the benefits!

Why Be Monogamous?

1. It not only shows you are brave it actually increases your bravery!

Three cheers for those of us who are not pathetic wussies who give up on learning how to do figure eights the moment we feel a little muscular pain. Three cheers for those of us who attempt a triple flip even if it might mean falling and busting open our knee! In the long run, we develop into stronger, skilful souls who can skate circles around those no-commitment cowards.

Three cheers for those of us brave enough to attempt what seems so scary to others. We wind up being superb athletes at life!

When I speak of no-commitment cowards I am not referring to the enlightened lone wolves among us. Who are these lone wolves? Well, they are individuals who are dealing with their demons and baggage, but choose to do it alone. Occasionally they choose to enjoy the pleasure of sexual encounters but they do not want relationships. As long as they are having safer-sex and are being honest with their partners, I really cannot judge them. I actually know of such a man. He is a well-educated, successful person spends a great deal of time working on his personal issues and exploring his purpose on earth. He just rather not subject anyone else (except his shrink) to his emotional baggage and knows he is not monogamy material and has even had a vasectomy (no chance of a woman trying to trap him into marriage) because he does not want kids. It took him just one disastrous marriage (once again, the values of prior experience to chart your next relationships and make the right choice) to come to this realisation.

He is honourable and does not lead “monogamous-seeking” women on. He tells them upfront, “I have no interest in marriage. I do not believe in it. I have no interest in fathering children with you either. So do not expect me to ever go steady with you. Even if we like each other very much, please know that there might be other women and since I am fair, I don’t expect you to be exclusive to me either. We are both adults here and we can just enjoy a good time. If that is not what you have in mind, say so now.”

Some people are just lone wolves. Once they are honest about it with themselves and their sexual partners, I cannot really judge them.

Most of the women he’s interacted with still remain friends with him, even when they have moved on and married and had families of their own. He has even been godfather to some of their kids. These women respect his honesty and he is a true gentleman and is very generous towards his sexual partners. He does not leave a trail of destruction in his wake. In fact many are better off for knowing him and even credit him with making them better women.

We monogamists see a relationship as a means to become better but for these flutterbys, a relationship is used to distract them from their demons. All they are interested in is the hazy euphoria of the first hot moments of the hunt, courting and exploratory exciting sex.

When I speak of no-commitment wussies I speak of are those who are needy, dysfunctional, immature and flit from partner to partner using a great deal of deception and taking zero responsibility for their actions. They are like patients who pretend to commit to a programme of psychoanalysis but only take the introductory sessions with the therapist and flee when things start to drill down into the core of their dysfunction. When forced to deal with their shit, they jump from couch to couch looking for a shrink who will tell them exactly what they want to hear.

We monogamists see a relationship as a means to become better but for these flutterbys, a relationship is used to distract them from their demons. All they are interested in is the hazy euphoria of the first hot moments of the hunt, courting and exploratory exciting sex. The moment that wears off and they are challenged to show understanding (their partner is not in the mood for sex) empathy (their partner wants them to be tolerant of a difficult situation) or self-reliance (their partner cannot bail them out of a situation) or trust (their ugliness starts to show) or forgiveness (their partner lets them down or they let their partner down) they run away.

Granted, many of these flutterbys do not know why they are this way. Some are in fact non-monogamous material. Since society says the only way to enjoy sexual intimacy respectably, is to be in a serious relationship, many unaware lone wolves are forced to enter serious commitments just to have sex. Others have the potential for monogamy but have a lot of issues to work on first and no guidance on how to do it effectively. Sadly before they get the chance to work on themselves, their irresponsibility eventually leads to unexpected pregnancy and they are now forced to commit whether they can or are ready to. I think right away of Sarah Palin’s daughter and future son-in-law. Most of these arrangements end in divorce and heartache and it is the children who suffer.

All my fellow monogamists, cheer with me, “We have cahones because we dare to stick around and be told like it is and face down our demons and beat them!”

2. It polishes you

After all, you are in a support group almost 24/7 and you are constantly challenged to think before you speak, be empathetic, be tolerant, swallow your pride and most important, forgive and accept forgiveness. Successful monogamy can refine a person to a high polish.

There is only so much enlightenment a lone wolf can achieve, alone.

My lone wolf friend may be a genius and ridiculously successful in the corporate world but he is a hard pill to swallow. Like Howard Hughes, another lone wolf, those same rough facets that give him his brilliance and edge in business also do not lend itself to a very kind, gentle, patient and understanding person. You can be the most enlightened hermit there is but in the end there is only so much you can do to perfect yourself, all by yourself. The greatest lesson your soul will ever learn is to love unconditionally and be loved in return.

Again my fellow monogamists CHEER! At least one person can stand to be around you for a long period of time.

3. It gives you a head start in the eternal race of soul perfection

Remember the crush I had that really hurt my hubby? It happened because of qualities I so longed for in my hubby that weren’t there. The object of my attraction possessed them in abundance. Well, I realized I could satisfy that void, not by cheating but by bringing those qualities out in myself.

What your partner lacks, forces you to develop self-sufficiency in those areas. People who flit from lover to lover in search of perfection never develop perfection in themselves. They always tend to be a bit emotionally retarded.

People get disappointed when they realize that whole “better half” thing is a big fat lie and they cannot say, Jerry McGuire style, “You complete me” to their partner. They get frustrated and dump their “incomplete” spouse and go looking for someone who will complete them. Well guess what? It does not exist! And you know what, thank goodness! For that would be the most boring, unchallenging relationship ever with absolutely nothing to learn.

What your partner lacks, forces you to develop self-sufficiency in those areas. People who flit from lover to lover in search of perfection never develop perfection in themselves. They always tend to be a bit emotionally retarded.

So once again my fellow monogamists, WE RULE! Cheer for yourselves again! Your successful monogamy puts you a few paces ahead in a long eternal race to enlightenment.


4. You have an intimate witness to your life

There is something to be said about knowing that other than God, there is one other person who knows almost everything there is to know about me. You see I am not 100% Jessie at work or among friends or in public but alone, in my baby’s arms I am 100% authentic, me. And I am loved anyway. If I were to die now, I can leave knowing one person really knew me and bore witness to my life, my struggles, and my triumphs. One person knows every birthmark, stretch mark and sexual proclivity. One person knows my lowest emotional low and highest emotional high. One person defends me with fierce loyalty and plots and schemes to make me blissfully happy. We are an army of two and made each other brave through our many misadventures. When I die, I leave behind an intimate witness to my life who can testify truthfully on my behalf.

One person can actually stand your company despite all your flaws and is an active and intimate witness to your life. That is precious indeed.

So there you have it! If done right, a monogamous relationship can provide a safe place where there is honest feedback, comfort, friendship, pleasure and appreciation while you work on yourself with help from your partner and visa versa. Hey, if monogamy isn’t for you, then it isn’t for you. Be a lone wolf but be an honourable, responsible lone wolf who, like the hermit on the mountain-top, still seeks self-improvement and self-mastery. Those of you who believe there is worth in monogamy, I applaud you and wish you every happiness. There are more benefits to be sure and I cannot wait to find out what those are. Give me and my hubby another eleven years or share yours on the comments page!

1. "Bible Belt Leads U.S. In Divorces," National Center for Policy Analysis, 1999-NOV-19, at:
2. "Bible belt has nation's worse divorce rate," CNN.com, 1999-NOV-12.(Cache copy as of 2000-FEB-11. The page has since expired.) A similar report here