Do enjoy my series on Forgiveness, starting with the one posted below!
Yes I am back after a little hiatus!
August 24, 2009
Forgiveness 101- Part One, Personal Responsibility
Here’s the dilemma you face- you know that there is something about forgiveness that is supposed to be essential your personal happiness. Self-satisfied, octogenarians and centenarians swear it had something to do with their longevity and ability to face the great adventure beyond this one with bravery and no regrets about this life.
The thing is, you are also an intelligent person and you cannot be guilt-tripped or bullshitted into forgiving those who have hurt you. In fact, you probably have long realized that the kind of forgiveness you’ve been taught since you were a child feels more like swallowing a spiky golf ball or sinking into a helpless, “What else can I do?” mind-set. It started when your mother or father forced you to “kiss and make-up” before you were ready to do so, with your siblings and cousins who made you see blue murder.
Isn’t it any wonder that today forgiveness feels like denial of your hurt and pain and allowing someone to “get off the hook” because of family, spiritual or religious obligation. How many times have you wanted badly to hang on to your anger and distrust when you remember,
“Geez God died for me, so I have no choice but to forgive this asshole!”
Then a lingering sense of injustice keeps nagging you despite your noble displays of absolution. It keeps reminding you that despite what you think, you have not actually forgiven anything.
So let me start by saying that is not the kind of forgiveness I am going to discuss. In fact, the kind of forgiveness, I want to speak about is not a duty you perform against your feelings nor is it even a long-term process. If you were theologically compelled because Jesus said to forgive seventy times seven and then he set the bar really high by forgiving the people who tortured and killed him and left you wondering,
“How on earth am I supposed to follow that?”
I am here to give you a little help on how to arrive at the same state of enlightenment that enables the great spiritual minds of human history like to do such things.
It starts by understanding what forgiveness really is.
Forgiveness is a spiritual “power-up” you attain in this video game of life. This game of life comes with certain Universal Laws or “game programming”. The secret to the Forgiveness Power up is becoming skilled in positive use of the same Universal Laws or game programming that allows setbacks, pain and injustice to happen in the game plot. Hopefully, when you have done this, it will not be a question of whether or not you are able to forgive. You would have already arrived at a state where forgiveness is simply an inevitable expression that rewards you most of all and yes…others too. So, here we go!
The Law of Consequence (Attraction)
I never really understood forgiveness until I grasped the concept that every action attracts a resulting complementary reaction and this is incontrovertible and indiscriminate. We are all interrelated and nobody is ever a complete victim of anyone’s actions. Ah yes, Dr. Phil, as much as I despise his corniness, he has this saying,
“You teach people how to treat you”
The older I get, the more I realize it is true.
Yes, I know we live in the age of “victim rights”. You are not supposed to blame the poor judgment of a woman who wears a dental floss outfit, gets drunk and walks down a lonely street with a man she barely knows and ends up being raped. Nope don’t you dare call her irresponsible! For some reason the same “sense of personal accountability for choosing certain actions” you apply to the man for committing the rape does not apply to her. Well, that is counterintuitive in every sense.
When we look at most things like that we can see how (1) A lack of self-love (2) A lack of trust and confidence in A Higher Power/Our Power Within The Universe (3) Negative thoughts (4) Negative actions and (5) Ignorance (deliberate or not), attract bad results, I’d say hmmm…. 100% of the time.
But what about things like the Holocaust or the genocide in Rwanda and child abuse. It’s very difficult to wrap your mind around the concept that the people who suffered were getting the consequences for their actions. What kind of action could ever warrant the scale of such mind boggling barbarity? Surely, these are “unforgiveable unspeakable evils”.
But are they really unforgivable and unspeakable? Or are we just trying to dismiss them instead of honestly exploring how such things happen. First of all, what is truly unforgivable?
In order for something to be unforgivable, it means it must be purely evil. But under close inspection, very few things in this life are purely evil. In fact, the greatest spiritual leaders from Jesus to Buddha agree that there is only one unforgivable action. This action is usually described as blasphemy against the Holy Spirit or rejection of a pure state enlightenment once having attained it. Now this is serious stuff right here. This ain’t the pedestrian,
“Doh tek de Lord’s name in vain!” or laughing heartedly at Monty Python’s portrayal of Christ on the cross telling Peter,
“Hey, I can see my house from up here!”
This also isn’t about rejecting your religion or someone else’s out of disbelief, doubts, disenchantment, delinquency or dissatisfaction.
I am talking of the kind of fall from grace where you have no disbelief, doubts, disenchantment, delinquency or dissatisfaction whatsoever. You have actually been in God’s presence; and have PROOF of it! It is arriving at a state of pure enlightenment where you know and experience Divine love and yet purposefully, with malice choose to act like it never happened. In order to do that, that individual must be so unimaginably warped, I cannot even imagine! Perhaps this is why it is so unforgivable for it is also inconceivable. Not even the reputed cosmic villain Satan (if you believe in such a creature) can deny God’s existence; petulantly challenge him though he might.
Recently I have had the chance to forgive the young man who sexually abused me when I was nine. Is he pure evil? No. That is just a convenient way of dismissing an unpleasant reality. He was a disturbed person who upon reaching the age of maturity did not take responsibility for being abused himself. He allowed himself to be a pawn of circumstance and acted out his twisted feelings on me.
Now we come to the really difficult questions: Did I ask for the abuse? Why did God allow such a thing to happen to me?
Honestly, I don’t think I asked for the abuse, at least not knowingly. I say not knowingly because unknowingly I was thinking and acting in such a way to attract a molester to me and my parent was thinking and acting in such a way to leave me vulnerable to that situation. The laws of the Universe are unbiased. It doesn’t matter how innocent and cute a baby is, if it crawls out of a multi-story window it will fall. You cannot get angry at The Law Gravity for that and I cannot get angry at the Law of Attraction nor its Architect for what happened to me. So while I did not consciously ask to be abused, I was in fact a child who was feeling lost, abandoned, insecure and fearful and I had a parent who reinforced those feelings and placed me in unsafe situations.
I fit the role molesters go after perfectly and I was in a scenario that made it easy to do and cover up. It was bound to happen! In fact, I know the “molestation scerarios” and “molestor profile” so well now I can walk into someone’s home and after some observation, I can tell with a fair amount of certainty if a child is at risk for sexual abuse from a relative or family friend. In such situations, it is never a question of if but when. An inattentive seal mother of a cute baby seal will have her seal eaten no matter how cute it is and a killer whale will eat the seal no matter how long it plays with it. Law of nature!
But what about things like the Holocaust? How can an entire group of people attract such a disaster to themselves? Before I get painted with the anti-Semite brush and come across like I am saying Jews brought it on themselves. Let me say what happened is a stain on humanity. Let’s not forget all the gypsies, Slavs, Poles, homosexuals and other ethnic groups who died in death camps. I am certainly not going to say they deserved it either. The same goes for the Tutsis that were slaughtered by the thousands in Rwanda.
However, if mob psychology exists, then it must also work both ways. One group must collectively, blindly unite and become The Persecutor and another must also just as blindly accept collectively the role of The Persecuted. All wars and genocides are like active volcanoes. If two or more groups of people engage in a prolonged unhealthy relationship you will have a pressure cooker situation that will erupt. Again it is not a question of if but when and there are so many WARNING SIGNS before a volcano erupts.
In both Germany and Rwanda, the genocide was in fact a climax of generations of underlying resentment and building hatred. It didn’t just happen overnight! In Germany and most of Europe, anti-Semitism was already millennia old. In Rwanda, tribal strife was generations old. The less sensational truth is that both sides apathetically accepted and played out and maintained these roles on ever increasing levels until it reached its inevitable climax. What we saw was not the whole disaster, just the end result of a long rumbling volcano threatening to erupt.
At anytime, during its long gestation, either side could have turned the tide. Let us not forget that even during the face of such rabid hatred and violence, there were stellar examples of how capable people can be to prevent this from happening. Even in the face of violence, glimmers of the loftier human spirit were on display, which means it was always there.
During the Holocaust, there were Jews so respected and loved by their non-Jewish friends and neighbours and Jews whose spirit was so strong they fought and saved not only themselves but thousands of their Jewish brothers and sisters. The same goes for the many non-Jewish Germans who hid and assisted Jews during that time and of course we all know the true story in the Academy Award winning Hotel Rwanda. Nobody can dehumanize a person who refuses to give up their humanity and allows it shine so clearly no oppressor can drown that light.
If people could act that way during the hell, it means even more people could have prevented the disaster before it reached to that stage.
Let us look at what has been happening in our own country in Trinidad between Afro-Trinis and Indo-Trinis. God forbid it, but if mass violence were to erupt between the races, whose fault is it? If an Afro-Trinidadian or Indo-Trinidadian leader hungry for power, saw the opportunity to feed on the already existing racism and fears of people effectively enough to start ethnic cleansing, whose fault is it? Don’t we have countless chances to bridge the divide and there are more than enough loving, smart and tolerant people to stop such a thing before it escalates?
When things like this happen it is only because we collectively let them happen. So really there is no “unspeakable, unforgivable evil” taking place. The only real tragedy is that good people did nothing or not enough, soon enough. Each individual still has to look at themselves and ask,
“What did I do to prevent this?”
When people exist in a self-imposed world of lack and powerlessness and they do not have enough self-love to demand better, that is the true disaster taking place! That is not evil. It is merely unfortunate and shameful.
That’s it! Your first skill to getting the Forgiveness Power Up. Understand, appreciate and then live with the knowledge that the Laws of Consequence are unapologetic, unbiased and unavoidable whether it is one person attracting a negative consequence from another person, or entire society attracting a negative consequence from years of their own negative actions or one or a few people attracting a negative consequence by deliberately or not, supporting a society’s negative attributes.
When wrong is done to you, it is YOU that you must first ask,
“Why, how, what did I do or not do to allow this to happen to me?”
It sounds harsh, but it can be the single most liberating experience of your life to find out the person you need to forgive is YOURSELF.
Sometimes the answer is as simple as the horned wife admitting:
“Actually, I saw it coming but I did not do anything to stop it. I was so low in self-esteem or I never really allowed myself to love my man for who is truly is and appreciate his needs. I was in love with an illusion of my own making.”
So she resolves never to fall into that trap again and she never does, making herself and a lucky man very happy as a result.
Sometimes the answer is not so simple.
The mother whose child is raped and killed by a serial killer for instance, after mourning that unbelievable loss, going through hell, coming to the realization that:
“I not only contribute to a society that allows such predators to develop unnoticed by parents, teachers, community until it is too late but I also contribute to a government with a system that allows such offenders to go free knowing fully-well they are a threat to society. How could I, as a mother have ever consented to play along, thinking it would not ever come back to bite me or my little girl! How was it I was ever fooled into complacently placing blind trust in a system that is not working, essentially leaving my daughter’s safety up to luck of the draw? And guess what? When you leave things like that to luck, your luck can run out. I cannot believe I have not taken this seriously before!”
Suddenly she is awakened and for the first time makes the connection. She can no longer be a by-standing citizen hoping for the best. She becomes an activist for early detection of sexually predatory traits in kids through mandatory psychological screening in schools. She advocates for better follow-up treatment for victims of molestation, particularly males, who have a higher chance of becoming predators themselves. She fights for stricter law enforcement policies and permanent incarceration of repeat offenders. She supports mandatory sexual education and self-protection programmes to empower children to detect and resist potential threats and not feel ashamed to report it.
This kind of personal responsibility is actually not in the best interests of the powers that be. You see, it benefits them more when people continue to believe they are victims of random evil. They want us all to be beholden to an unjust, inhumane, earth-hostile system yet constantly surprised and go ‘Why Me?” when it fails us. They want us to continue blindly making decisions out of pride, selfishness, greed, ignorance and fear instead of contentment, responsibility, knowledge and love, thinking it will never come back to haunt us or our loved ones.
The mother in Morvant who wails to the television reporter when her son is gunned down by a trigger happy police officer did not make the connection between that and the stolen stereo system she enjoys in her house. The person afflicted with cancer, does not make the connection between it and a lifetime of nursing grudges and other toxic emotions or not loving themselves enough to screen regularly because of genetic predisposition to the disease. The parent refuses to make a connection between his own dishonesty, fear and unrealistic, intolerant religious approach to sexuality and the unwanted pregnancy of his teen daughter. Consumers do not connect their own greed to the current financial crisis.
Instead, they blame Satan or “those people” or “bad fortune” or “the opposing political party” for victimizing them.
Empowered people first learn how to forgive themselves in order to forgive others with maximum ease. Victims on the other hand feel self-pity and pretend to forgive others… but only to please.
In Part 2 we answer the dreaded- “How could God allow this?!” question. Hang tight!
The thing is, you are also an intelligent person and you cannot be guilt-tripped or bullshitted into forgiving those who have hurt you. In fact, you probably have long realized that the kind of forgiveness you’ve been taught since you were a child feels more like swallowing a spiky golf ball or sinking into a helpless, “What else can I do?” mind-set. It started when your mother or father forced you to “kiss and make-up” before you were ready to do so, with your siblings and cousins who made you see blue murder.
Remember when your parents FORCED you to kiss and make-up before you were ready, for their benefit more than anything? Does forgiveness still feel like that for you today?
Isn’t it any wonder that today forgiveness feels like denial of your hurt and pain and allowing someone to “get off the hook” because of family, spiritual or religious obligation. How many times have you wanted badly to hang on to your anger and distrust when you remember,
“Geez God died for me, so I have no choice but to forgive this asshole!”
Then a lingering sense of injustice keeps nagging you despite your noble displays of absolution. It keeps reminding you that despite what you think, you have not actually forgiven anything.
So let me start by saying that is not the kind of forgiveness I am going to discuss. In fact, the kind of forgiveness, I want to speak about is not a duty you perform against your feelings nor is it even a long-term process. If you were theologically compelled because Jesus said to forgive seventy times seven and then he set the bar really high by forgiving the people who tortured and killed him and left you wondering,
“How on earth am I supposed to follow that?”
I am here to give you a little help on how to arrive at the same state of enlightenment that enables the great spiritual minds of human history like to do such things.
Forgiveness is not something you do against your will, nor is it a process. It is actually a vital PowerUp in this video game of life.
It starts by understanding what forgiveness really is.
Forgiveness is a spiritual “power-up” you attain in this video game of life. This game of life comes with certain Universal Laws or “game programming”. The secret to the Forgiveness Power up is becoming skilled in positive use of the same Universal Laws or game programming that allows setbacks, pain and injustice to happen in the game plot. Hopefully, when you have done this, it will not be a question of whether or not you are able to forgive. You would have already arrived at a state where forgiveness is simply an inevitable expression that rewards you most of all and yes…others too. So, here we go!
The Law of Consequence (Attraction)
I never really understood forgiveness until I grasped the concept that every action attracts a resulting complementary reaction and this is incontrovertible and indiscriminate. We are all interrelated and nobody is ever a complete victim of anyone’s actions. Ah yes, Dr. Phil, as much as I despise his corniness, he has this saying,
“You teach people how to treat you”
The older I get, the more I realize it is true.
Yes, I know we live in the age of “victim rights”. You are not supposed to blame the poor judgment of a woman who wears a dental floss outfit, gets drunk and walks down a lonely street with a man she barely knows and ends up being raped. Nope don’t you dare call her irresponsible! For some reason the same “sense of personal accountability for choosing certain actions” you apply to the man for committing the rape does not apply to her. Well, that is counterintuitive in every sense.
When we look at most things like that we can see how (1) A lack of self-love (2) A lack of trust and confidence in A Higher Power/Our Power Within The Universe (3) Negative thoughts (4) Negative actions and (5) Ignorance (deliberate or not), attract bad results, I’d say hmmm…. 100% of the time.
But what about things like the Holocaust or the genocide in Rwanda and child abuse. It’s very difficult to wrap your mind around the concept that the people who suffered were getting the consequences for their actions. What kind of action could ever warrant the scale of such mind boggling barbarity? Surely, these are “unforgiveable unspeakable evils”.
But are they really unforgivable and unspeakable? Or are we just trying to dismiss them instead of honestly exploring how such things happen. First of all, what is truly unforgivable?
In order for something to be unforgivable, it means it must be purely evil. But under close inspection, very few things in this life are purely evil. In fact, the greatest spiritual leaders from Jesus to Buddha agree that there is only one unforgivable action. This action is usually described as blasphemy against the Holy Spirit or rejection of a pure state enlightenment once having attained it. Now this is serious stuff right here. This ain’t the pedestrian,
“Doh tek de Lord’s name in vain!” or laughing heartedly at Monty Python’s portrayal of Christ on the cross telling Peter,
“Hey, I can see my house from up here!”
This also isn’t about rejecting your religion or someone else’s out of disbelief, doubts, disenchantment, delinquency or dissatisfaction.
What is universally accepted as the "Unforgiveable Sin" is also the "Inconceivable Sin"
I am talking of the kind of fall from grace where you have no disbelief, doubts, disenchantment, delinquency or dissatisfaction whatsoever. You have actually been in God’s presence; and have PROOF of it! It is arriving at a state of pure enlightenment where you know and experience Divine love and yet purposefully, with malice choose to act like it never happened. In order to do that, that individual must be so unimaginably warped, I cannot even imagine! Perhaps this is why it is so unforgivable for it is also inconceivable. Not even the reputed cosmic villain Satan (if you believe in such a creature) can deny God’s existence; petulantly challenge him though he might.
Recently I have had the chance to forgive the young man who sexually abused me when I was nine. Is he pure evil? No. That is just a convenient way of dismissing an unpleasant reality. He was a disturbed person who upon reaching the age of maturity did not take responsibility for being abused himself. He allowed himself to be a pawn of circumstance and acted out his twisted feelings on me.
The laws of the Universe are unbiased. It doesn’t matter how innocent and cute a baby is, if it crawls out of a multi-story window it will fall. You cannot get angry at The Law Gravity for that and I cannot get angry at the Law of Attraction nor its Architect for what happened to me.
Now we come to the really difficult questions: Did I ask for the abuse? Why did God allow such a thing to happen to me?
Honestly, I don’t think I asked for the abuse, at least not knowingly. I say not knowingly because unknowingly I was thinking and acting in such a way to attract a molester to me and my parent was thinking and acting in such a way to leave me vulnerable to that situation. The laws of the Universe are unbiased. It doesn’t matter how innocent and cute a baby is, if it crawls out of a multi-story window it will fall. You cannot get angry at The Law Gravity for that and I cannot get angry at the Law of Attraction nor its Architect for what happened to me. So while I did not consciously ask to be abused, I was in fact a child who was feeling lost, abandoned, insecure and fearful and I had a parent who reinforced those feelings and placed me in unsafe situations.
I fit the role molesters go after perfectly and I was in a scenario that made it easy to do and cover up. It was bound to happen! In fact, I know the “molestation scerarios” and “molestor profile” so well now I can walk into someone’s home and after some observation, I can tell with a fair amount of certainty if a child is at risk for sexual abuse from a relative or family friend. In such situations, it is never a question of if but when. An inattentive seal mother of a cute baby seal will have her seal eaten no matter how cute it is and a killer whale will eat the seal no matter how long it plays with it. Law of nature!
But what about things like the Holocaust? How can an entire group of people attract such a disaster to themselves? Before I get painted with the anti-Semite brush and come across like I am saying Jews brought it on themselves. Let me say what happened is a stain on humanity. Let’s not forget all the gypsies, Slavs, Poles, homosexuals and other ethnic groups who died in death camps. I am certainly not going to say they deserved it either. The same goes for the Tutsis that were slaughtered by the thousands in Rwanda.
In both Germany and Rwanda, the genocide was in fact a climax of generations of underlying resentment and building hatred. It didn’t just happen overnight!
However, if mob psychology exists, then it must also work both ways. One group must collectively, blindly unite and become The Persecutor and another must also just as blindly accept collectively the role of The Persecuted. All wars and genocides are like active volcanoes. If two or more groups of people engage in a prolonged unhealthy relationship you will have a pressure cooker situation that will erupt. Again it is not a question of if but when and there are so many WARNING SIGNS before a volcano erupts.
In both Germany and Rwanda, the genocide was in fact a climax of generations of underlying resentment and building hatred. It didn’t just happen overnight! In Germany and most of Europe, anti-Semitism was already millennia old. In Rwanda, tribal strife was generations old. The less sensational truth is that both sides apathetically accepted and played out and maintained these roles on ever increasing levels until it reached its inevitable climax. What we saw was not the whole disaster, just the end result of a long rumbling volcano threatening to erupt.
At anytime, during its long gestation, either side could have turned the tide. Let us not forget that even during the face of such rabid hatred and violence, there were stellar examples of how capable people can be to prevent this from happening. Even in the face of violence, glimmers of the loftier human spirit were on display, which means it was always there.
If people could act with such humanity, enlightenment and bravery during the hell, it means even more people could have prevented the disaster before it reached to that stage.When people exist in a self-imposed world of lack and powerlessness and they do not have enough self-love to demand better, that is the true disaster taking place! That is not evil. It is merely unfortunate and shameful.
During the Holocaust, there were Jews so respected and loved by their non-Jewish friends and neighbours and Jews whose spirit was so strong they fought and saved not only themselves but thousands of their Jewish brothers and sisters. The same goes for the many non-Jewish Germans who hid and assisted Jews during that time and of course we all know the true story in the Academy Award winning Hotel Rwanda. Nobody can dehumanize a person who refuses to give up their humanity and allows it shine so clearly no oppressor can drown that light.
If people could act that way during the hell, it means even more people could have prevented the disaster before it reached to that stage.
Let us look at what has been happening in our own country in Trinidad between Afro-Trinis and Indo-Trinis. God forbid it, but if mass violence were to erupt between the races, whose fault is it? If an Afro-Trinidadian or Indo-Trinidadian leader hungry for power, saw the opportunity to feed on the already existing racism and fears of people effectively enough to start ethnic cleansing, whose fault is it? Don’t we have countless chances to bridge the divide and there are more than enough loving, smart and tolerant people to stop such a thing before it escalates?
When things like this happen it is only because we collectively let them happen. So really there is no “unspeakable, unforgivable evil” taking place. The only real tragedy is that good people did nothing or not enough, soon enough. Each individual still has to look at themselves and ask,
“What did I do to prevent this?”
When people exist in a self-imposed world of lack and powerlessness and they do not have enough self-love to demand better, that is the true disaster taking place! That is not evil. It is merely unfortunate and shameful.
That’s it! Your first skill to getting the Forgiveness Power Up. Understand, appreciate and then live with the knowledge that the Laws of Consequence are unapologetic, unbiased and unavoidable whether it is one person attracting a negative consequence from another person, or entire society attracting a negative consequence from years of their own negative actions or one or a few people attracting a negative consequence by deliberately or not, supporting a society’s negative attributes.
When wrong is done to you, it is YOU that you must first ask,
“Why, how, what did I do or not do to allow this to happen to me?”
It sounds harsh, but it can be the single most liberating experience of your life to find out the person you need to forgive is YOURSELF.
Sometimes the answer is as simple as the horned wife admitting:
“Actually, I saw it coming but I did not do anything to stop it. I was so low in self-esteem or I never really allowed myself to love my man for who is truly is and appreciate his needs. I was in love with an illusion of my own making.”
So she resolves never to fall into that trap again and she never does, making herself and a lucky man very happy as a result.
Sometimes the answer is not so simple.
The mother whose child is raped and killed by a serial killer for instance, after mourning that unbelievable loss, going through hell, coming to the realization that:
“I not only contribute to a society that allows such predators to develop unnoticed by parents, teachers, community until it is too late but I also contribute to a government with a system that allows such offenders to go free knowing fully-well they are a threat to society. How could I, as a mother have ever consented to play along, thinking it would not ever come back to bite me or my little girl! How was it I was ever fooled into complacently placing blind trust in a system that is not working, essentially leaving my daughter’s safety up to luck of the draw? And guess what? When you leave things like that to luck, your luck can run out. I cannot believe I have not taken this seriously before!”
Suddenly she is awakened and for the first time makes the connection. She can no longer be a by-standing citizen hoping for the best. She becomes an activist for early detection of sexually predatory traits in kids through mandatory psychological screening in schools. She advocates for better follow-up treatment for victims of molestation, particularly males, who have a higher chance of becoming predators themselves. She fights for stricter law enforcement policies and permanent incarceration of repeat offenders. She supports mandatory sexual education and self-protection programmes to empower children to detect and resist potential threats and not feel ashamed to report it.
This kind of personal responsibility is actually not in the best interests of the powers that be. You see, it benefits them more when people continue to believe they are victims of random evil. They want us all to be beholden to an unjust, inhumane, earth-hostile system yet constantly surprised and go ‘Why Me?” when it fails us. They want us to continue blindly making decisions out of pride, selfishness, greed, ignorance and fear instead of contentment, responsibility, knowledge and love, thinking it will never come back to haunt us or our loved ones.
The mother in Morvant who wails to the television reporter when her son is gunned down by a trigger happy police officer did not make the connection between that and the stolen stereo system she enjoys in her house. The person afflicted with cancer, does not make the connection between it and a lifetime of nursing grudges and other toxic emotions or not loving themselves enough to screen regularly because of genetic predisposition to the disease. The parent refuses to make a connection between his own dishonesty, fear and unrealistic, intolerant religious approach to sexuality and the unwanted pregnancy of his teen daughter. Consumers do not connect their own greed to the current financial crisis.
Instead, they blame Satan or “those people” or “bad fortune” or “the opposing political party” for victimizing them.
Empowered people first learn how to forgive themselves in order to forgive others with maximum ease. Victims on the other hand feel self-pity and pretend to forgive others… but only to please.
In Part 2 we answer the dreaded- “How could God allow this?!” question. Hang tight!
May 13, 2009
Third World Country Check List
It matters not how many skyscrapers, malls, American chain restaurants or chemical plants a country has or how many international sports and beauty pageant events it hosts. If that country possesses at least five or more of these signs of underdevelopment and tyranny, in any of the categories below, then it is still a third world country at the very core.
Ineffective Justice And Law Enforcement
1. Outdated laws deter progressive law enforcement; offer little to no victims rights and hinder application of any of the innovations in law enforcement and crime prevention over the last 20 years.
2. Easily bribed public officials and law enforcement result in more unsolved cases than solved ones. Police brutality is the norm. Crimes committed by the working to poorer sectors of society are prosecuted differently to crimes committed by those of a certain economic class.
3. Third world prison systems that are non-rehabilitative and repugnant in their inhumane and sadistic conditions. They are criminal factories, turning soft core, non violent criminals into hard core violent criminals.
Inadequate Educational, Health and Social Services
4. Education is no longer a means to advance one’s station in life as only exceptional and/or privileged children from the best economic and/or domestic circumstances benefit from a blind, under-funded, ineffective education system. Children with special needs, learning disabilities, emotional problems or a less than favorable domestic/economic background will most likely be unemployable, barely literate graduates/dropouts thus widening the gap between the haves and have nots.
5. Lack of or poorly funded social programmes to address the needs of the severely mentally ill; drug addicts; battered women, abused or parentless children, stray animals and others who will inevitably fall through the cracks. Vagrants, homeless children and prostitution become commonplace everywhere.
6. Rapid drop in life expectancy among the youth because of civil unrest, crime, AIDS, poor health care, malnourishment and increased use of drugs and alcohol. Young males are particularly affected by criminal violence. Young women are systematically targeted for sexual violence and the social and legal systems are unable to deal with it.
7. Hospitals look, smell and feel like diseased, third world clinics in a war zone, with constant shortage of drugs, beds and equipment and frustrated medical staff, high infant mortality rates, high death rates for simple surgical procedures, high infection rates.
Development In Defiance Of The Environment
8. Stray dogs and garbage everywhere and recycling, conservation and green energy are not even considerations.
9. Haphazard, unsafe, unreliable and inadequate public transportation.
10. Loss of green spaces, flora, fauna, clean beaches and air to unplanned, unfettered development. Nature constantly striking back with floods, pests and diseases. No natural disaster national emergency plan or resources and mass fatalities will result if a major disaster hit.
Impotent Media & Cultural Stagnation
11. News is either sensationalist, politically biased or pedestrian. Lack of press and media freedom, journalists are threatened if they probe too deeply, criticize the government too frequently much less dare to run a true exposé. Therefore there is no investigative journalism beyond the headlines.
12. Begrudging recognition of talented locals. Migration to succeed is the norm as the country has no confident barometer for its own beauty, talent and voices leading to easy takeover by foreign culture. Music, art, film is too expensive and unavailable to most to explore as a form of expression. The intellectual and artistic community continues to be insular, elitist and irrelevant to most of the population.
Banana Republic Economy
13. Only the salaries of top government officials, corporate CEOs and expatriate professionals rise with the skyrocketing cost of living. The rich send their money abroad and do not reinvest it inside the country.
14. Natural resource wealth and industrialization is not reflected in the standard of living by the majority of the population. The middle class disappears, upward mobility disappears. Left behind are only a handful of very wealthy land and business owners supported by a miniscule, well compensated upper managerial class (increasingly comprised of expats) and the rest of the population, no matter their educatioanal status just above or below the poverty line, including public servants.
15. The country is unable to feed itself with its own agriculture. Locals get the dregs of the sea and land produce, the best is exported and then unaffordable produce is imported. Food and other basic items are prohibitively priced. In the event of any world crisis or major natural disaster affecting trade, people will starve.
Tyranny and Unfettered Corruption Is Standard Operating Procedure
16. Political leverage to win favors is gained through unethical means. There is intimidation and/or bribery of the growing class of desperate citizens stuck in daily survival mode.
17. Increased autocratic spending of revenues by the government. The public feels powerless to stop anything the government wants to do, even though the government is supposed to be their servant.
18. The frequent presence of less than reputable foreign “experts” and companies involved in large scale, unsustainable pork barrel projects. Some of these companies even have a track record of exploitation of third world revenues aided and abetted by their corrupt governments.
19. Tribal, dirty, petty politics is the custom and the electoral process is so emotionally charged, it lacks rationality, civility, intellect and credibility. Leaders are not treated like public servants but demagogues by a blindly enamored and easily manipulated populace.
20. Blatant, unapologetic cronyism and scoring a measly 3.6 out of 10 (10 being little to no corruption) on the Corruptions Perception Index by Transparency International. Public servants fear accountability and crisis management is about PR rather than problem solving.
I ask you please to take some time today and think of the opposing, positive 20 signs of a developed, truly democratic country. Use your imagination and visualise Trinidad and Tobago as a first world country in every way. When you get that picture in your head, ask yourself if the petty differences politicians love to exploit are worth getting distracted over.
The truth is that people get exactly the government they think they deserve. The epitome of insanity is applying the same ineffective method to a problem over and over, expecting a different outcome. Can we honestly claim to be so disappointed when the same selection methods fuelled by our fears, self-doubt and self-imposed limitations are what we use to pick our leaders? We are like a battered woman, who continues to stay in an abusive relationship, or jump from one abusive man to the next.
The truth is many will always “like it so” because they are lazy, disempowered, ignorant or are getting exactly what they need from the system. But the beauty of how easily change can happen is that not all Trinbagonians need to transform. If only a few courageous, stalwart number of citizens made up their collective mind that we deserve better and remained vocal, risking everything to focus on the issues that truly matter, it can happen.
Never underestimate the power of a few community organisers, look at Obama’s campaign. If only two media houses decided to grow some balls and not settle for mediocre journalism and demand answers from our leaders, it can happen. Look at how the media refused to buy into the shallow Sarah Palin image. A strong media can literally decide an election or change the cultural landscape to be more tolerant, rational and informed. A strong media ensures we get strong leaders as President Obama expressed at the White House Correspondent's Dinner. The ease and affability this man displayed with the media is a stark contrast from our Prime Minster who storms into media houses that express unflinching and strong disagreement with his policies.
If our visionary music, mas men, beauty queens, sportsmen and artists got together and pushed messages of tolerance, environmental awareness and social responsibility, standing behind political figures and raising money for them because of shared ideals, we could turn the nation around. Once again, look at what the Hollywood machine did for Obama.
I am willing to toss my name in the hat right now. I will volunteer my creative and advertising strategy expertise for any local candidate or party who wowed me with their objectivity, integrity, patriotism, holistic environmentalism, fiscal responsibility and unwavering servitude to the people of this country. I would design a campaign for you that would set a whole new standard in local politics; honest, eloquent, people-empowering and steadfast in its focus on the issues without resorting to smear tactics. There would be televised town-hall discussions, open invitation to live, televised debate, outreach strategies for party entrenched areas. It would use all the new media available and some you may have never thought about.
You see, I have faith that there are enough people in Trinidad and Tobago who are ready for something different. I believe those who are fair-minded outnumber those who are petty and ignorant. I believe those who are racially unbiased outnumber those who are easily baited by religion and ethnicity. I believe the private sector has had enough, period and are chomping at the bit to realise their “first-world” goals and are grinding their teeth as the government drags its feet. I believe the middle-class and professional class has had enough. I believe young people are much smarter than we give them credit for and can be persuaded to vote for change if properly motivated. YES WE CAN experience a Vision 20/20 that reflects the real signs of progress instead of just pomp and ceremony.
Ineffective Justice And Law Enforcement
1. Outdated laws deter progressive law enforcement; offer little to no victims rights and hinder application of any of the innovations in law enforcement and crime prevention over the last 20 years.
Cameras cameras everywhere in Trinidad and Tobago! But for what purpose? Our laws are so outdated that footage of a crime caught on camera is still inadmissible in court.
2. Easily bribed public officials and law enforcement result in more unsolved cases than solved ones. Police brutality is the norm. Crimes committed by the working to poorer sectors of society are prosecuted differently to crimes committed by those of a certain economic class.
The inefficiency of the public services supports a shadow industry of bribery to get things done effectively at a reasonable pace.
3. Third world prison systems that are non-rehabilitative and repugnant in their inhumane and sadistic conditions. They are criminal factories, turning soft core, non violent criminals into hard core violent criminals.
Inadequate Educational, Health and Social Services
4. Education is no longer a means to advance one’s station in life as only exceptional and/or privileged children from the best economic and/or domestic circumstances benefit from a blind, under-funded, ineffective education system. Children with special needs, learning disabilities, emotional problems or a less than favorable domestic/economic background will most likely be unemployable, barely literate graduates/dropouts thus widening the gap between the haves and have nots.
Most children have access to free education in Trinidad and Tobago. However only those who are naturally exceptional or have the ideal domestic life with highly involved parents who can afford or are willing to sacrifice for expensive additional coaching and extra cirriculuar activities, can withstand the difficult, unspecialised, non-holistic memorisation and regurgitation examination-based academic programme. All others are left behind.
5. Lack of or poorly funded social programmes to address the needs of the severely mentally ill; drug addicts; battered women, abused or parentless children, stray animals and others who will inevitably fall through the cracks. Vagrants, homeless children and prostitution become commonplace everywhere.
6. Rapid drop in life expectancy among the youth because of civil unrest, crime, AIDS, poor health care, malnourishment and increased use of drugs and alcohol. Young males are particularly affected by criminal violence. Young women are systematically targeted for sexual violence and the social and legal systems are unable to deal with it.
7. Hospitals look, smell and feel like diseased, third world clinics in a war zone, with constant shortage of drugs, beds and equipment and frustrated medical staff, high infant mortality rates, high death rates for simple surgical procedures, high infection rates.
Development In Defiance Of The Environment
8. Stray dogs and garbage everywhere and recycling, conservation and green energy are not even considerations.
9. Haphazard, unsafe, unreliable and inadequate public transportation.
10. Loss of green spaces, flora, fauna, clean beaches and air to unplanned, unfettered development. Nature constantly striking back with floods, pests and diseases. No natural disaster national emergency plan or resources and mass fatalities will result if a major disaster hit.
Impotent Media & Cultural Stagnation
11. News is either sensationalist, politically biased or pedestrian. Lack of press and media freedom, journalists are threatened if they probe too deeply, criticize the government too frequently much less dare to run a true exposé. Therefore there is no investigative journalism beyond the headlines.
12. Begrudging recognition of talented locals. Migration to succeed is the norm as the country has no confident barometer for its own beauty, talent and voices leading to easy takeover by foreign culture. Music, art, film is too expensive and unavailable to most to explore as a form of expression. The intellectual and artistic community continues to be insular, elitist and irrelevant to most of the population.
Brain Drain is a serious problem still in Trinidad and Tobago and those who leave really cannot be blamed if there is simply no where for them to grow, no where safe to raise their families and little opportunties for their children within their own country.
Banana Republic Economy
13. Only the salaries of top government officials, corporate CEOs and expatriate professionals rise with the skyrocketing cost of living. The rich send their money abroad and do not reinvest it inside the country.
14. Natural resource wealth and industrialization is not reflected in the standard of living by the majority of the population. The middle class disappears, upward mobility disappears. Left behind are only a handful of very wealthy land and business owners supported by a miniscule, well compensated upper managerial class (increasingly comprised of expats) and the rest of the population, no matter their educatioanal status just above or below the poverty line, including public servants.
15. The country is unable to feed itself with its own agriculture. Locals get the dregs of the sea and land produce, the best is exported and then unaffordable produce is imported. Food and other basic items are prohibitively priced. In the event of any world crisis or major natural disaster affecting trade, people will starve.
Tyranny and Unfettered Corruption Is Standard Operating Procedure
16. Political leverage to win favors is gained through unethical means. There is intimidation and/or bribery of the growing class of desperate citizens stuck in daily survival mode.
17. Increased autocratic spending of revenues by the government. The public feels powerless to stop anything the government wants to do, even though the government is supposed to be their servant.
What the Prime Minister wants, the Prime Minister gets, regardless of what his citizens say. Disempowered citizens allow him to blow hundreds of millions on a one-time international event, while children are starving, young people shoot one another and hospital patients sleep on the floor. Sadly, they'll let it happen again even in the midst of the worse recession ever!
18. The frequent presence of less than reputable foreign “experts” and companies involved in large scale, unsustainable pork barrel projects. Some of these companies even have a track record of exploitation of third world revenues aided and abetted by their corrupt governments.
19. Tribal, dirty, petty politics is the custom and the electoral process is so emotionally charged, it lacks rationality, civility, intellect and credibility. Leaders are not treated like public servants but demagogues by a blindly enamored and easily manipulated populace.
20. Blatant, unapologetic cronyism and scoring a measly 3.6 out of 10 (10 being little to no corruption) on the Corruptions Perception Index by Transparency International. Public servants fear accountability and crisis management is about PR rather than problem solving.
I ask you please to take some time today and think of the opposing, positive 20 signs of a developed, truly democratic country. Use your imagination and visualise Trinidad and Tobago as a first world country in every way. When you get that picture in your head, ask yourself if the petty differences politicians love to exploit are worth getting distracted over.
The truth is that people get exactly the government they think they deserve. The epitome of insanity is applying the same ineffective method to a problem over and over, expecting a different outcome. Can we honestly claim to be so disappointed when the same selection methods fuelled by our fears, self-doubt and self-imposed limitations are what we use to pick our leaders? We are like a battered woman, who continues to stay in an abusive relationship, or jump from one abusive man to the next.
The truth is many will always “like it so” because they are lazy, disempowered, ignorant or are getting exactly what they need from the system. But the beauty of how easily change can happen is that not all Trinbagonians need to transform. If only a few courageous, stalwart number of citizens made up their collective mind that we deserve better and remained vocal, risking everything to focus on the issues that truly matter, it can happen.
Never underestimate the power of a few community organisers, look at Obama’s campaign. If only two media houses decided to grow some balls and not settle for mediocre journalism and demand answers from our leaders, it can happen. Look at how the media refused to buy into the shallow Sarah Palin image. A strong media can literally decide an election or change the cultural landscape to be more tolerant, rational and informed. A strong media ensures we get strong leaders as President Obama expressed at the White House Correspondent's Dinner. The ease and affability this man displayed with the media is a stark contrast from our Prime Minster who storms into media houses that express unflinching and strong disagreement with his policies.
If our visionary music, mas men, beauty queens, sportsmen and artists got together and pushed messages of tolerance, environmental awareness and social responsibility, standing behind political figures and raising money for them because of shared ideals, we could turn the nation around. Once again, look at what the Hollywood machine did for Obama.
I am willing to toss my name in the hat right now. I will volunteer my creative and advertising strategy expertise for any local candidate or party who wowed me with their objectivity, integrity, patriotism, holistic environmentalism, fiscal responsibility and unwavering servitude to the people of this country. I would design a campaign for you that would set a whole new standard in local politics; honest, eloquent, people-empowering and steadfast in its focus on the issues without resorting to smear tactics. There would be televised town-hall discussions, open invitation to live, televised debate, outreach strategies for party entrenched areas. It would use all the new media available and some you may have never thought about.
You see, I have faith that there are enough people in Trinidad and Tobago who are ready for something different. I believe those who are fair-minded outnumber those who are petty and ignorant. I believe those who are racially unbiased outnumber those who are easily baited by religion and ethnicity. I believe the private sector has had enough, period and are chomping at the bit to realise their “first-world” goals and are grinding their teeth as the government drags its feet. I believe the middle-class and professional class has had enough. I believe young people are much smarter than we give them credit for and can be persuaded to vote for change if properly motivated. YES WE CAN experience a Vision 20/20 that reflects the real signs of progress instead of just pomp and ceremony.
April 08, 2009
Lost Generation Not Just Indian Men
Anand Ramlogan’s “Lost Generation” article in the January 25thSunday Guardian was insightful. I took a long time before I responded to it because I did not want to be offensive in doing so. Then I realised, if he could speak of Indian men being unable to hold on to Indian women as a matter of grave concern, without seeing anything particularly racist about it, I should not worry too much about being frank about my response. Here it is.
In this Bollywood adaptation of Jane Austen's Pride & Prejudice, the forward-thinking Indian beauty shuns her Indian suitor, who is presented as a buffoon and falls for the more modern Caucasian American man. It is subtle commentary to say the least.
As a past student of Naparima Girls’ High School, I saw with my own eyes the transformation of my Indian classmates when we later attended UWI together and went abroad on our academic and career adventures and were free from prying parental eyes while being offered a wider choice of men from up North, up the Caribbean islands and all over the world. They jumped whole heartedly into a brave new world so much so, Naps Girls started to get a reputation.
As the ever world-wise black chic and mother hen, I was often the one being called on by my Indian girlfriends to buy birth control and cover for them to their parents while they were dating non-Indian men and venturing to night clubs and I offered shoulders to cry on over broken hearts and pregnancy scares. Their clueless parents were still expecting them to be virgins and marry nice Indian doctors, lawyers and businessmen. In fact, in my little circle of friends, which comprised of girls of all racial backgrounds, none of my Indian girlfriends ended up with Indian men or are still unmarried.
When you talk to them, they will tell you that the glaring difference in mentality and expectations is comparable to what I feel as a black woman when a Nigerian man aggressively and often obnoxiously approaches me with hopes of snagging a doting, submissive wife. In this respect Anand is right, there is a growing chasm between the modern Indian woman and her Indian male counterparts, many of whom are still raised to think of and treat with their women like it was still 1950 and so, as he pointed out, they simply lack the skills to woo today’s savvy Indian woman. While he points to hip hip and dancehall pop culture. I think the new age, intellectual, emotionally adept Indian women I know were more influenced by “Jane Austen, Oprah, Deepak Chopra and Joy of Sex” as far as their expectations of what a romantic partnership should be. It’s not that there aren’t Indian men who “get it” but some complain there are just too few to go around. Accomplished black women often make a similar complaint about available black men who can match their level.
It's not just Indian women who are looking outside their ethnicity. Indian men have been doing it for a long time, without so much fuss being made. Therein lies the double standard.
What I find a little off-putting about Anand's article is that it totally ignores that interracial relationships are also being pursued by savvy, world wise Indian men as well. Why this double standard of, 'Protect our Indian women' but our Indian men can do whatever they like.
Here is a very objective stance on the subject. Honestly, there are advantages to dating in your own ethnic/cultural group. Chances are that my Indian sisters going for what they consider to be the more “modern” man outside of their ethnicity are going to be presented with either the same or a lesser version of the exact same problem she is trying to avoid. In fact, she may be worse off because the non-Indian man may actually be choosing an Indian woman because of a stereotype. He may have the false expectation she will be more submissive and acquiescing to his sexual and ego requirements than say a black or white woman. It is similar to what a black woman faces when white and Asian men assume that because she is black, she is a wild cat in the sack and will fall into the role of “Ever Loving Mama” who will carry their burdens for them.
Interracial relationships do come with their share of challenges.
In many respects, dating outside your ethnicity or culture can be like jumping from the frying pan into the fire when it comes to facing stereotypes and prejudices. However, that is about all I can see that is negative about it and as I type this, the world is changing. As the world gets smaller and people start to see each other more honestly we are beginning to actively challenge these stereotypes.
The willingness to cross cultures and ethnicities increases the more one travels, reads, learns and accomplishes. Which is why keeping people ignorant and insular is always part of segregationist governments. You see, with knowledge of the world and travel of the world, you develop a greater sense of individual identity in relation to the entire world and not just one tribe in your own hometown.
It is therefore unrealistic to expect that todays’ woman who is well read, well travelled and open to a range of experiences will limit intimate relationships by ethnicity, religion or culture. Those things may superficially help but do not guarantee lasting happiness and fulfillment in a relationship. It is already hard for women to find quality mates; being further restricted to searching only in your own ethnicity is really unfair especially when your ideal soul mate could actually be someone your parents may not have had in mind.
While I can understand Anand’s cultural and ethnic focus on Indian men, the issues he mentioned are part of a wider problem that is affecting all young men. Let’s face it, for generations we in the Caribbean have spoiled our men. There, I’ve said it! So, whether ethnicity is Chinese, Indian, Syrian, African, European or a mix of any, chances are, if that man is from the Caribbean, he has been handicapped by:
1. Overbearing mothers who substitute the relationship fulfillment they did not get from their emotionally retarded or absent husbands by overly codling her sons. These Goddesses of domestic martyrdom, easy forgiveness and indiscriminate ego-stroking without demanding responsibility, turn boys into a men who are useless emotional cripples with unfounded self-importance. These megalomaniacs in the making now expect the wife to take over where the Holy Mother left off, this time with “fringe benefits”. The role of maid, sycophant and sex slave is one the modern woman no longer wants, sorry.
"And after I am done the housework after coming home from my job, I will tend the kids, supervise their homework, whip you up a three course dinner and pleasure you any way you like till you fall asleep." Dream on guys!
2. Unfair and damaging sexual double standards which for centuries have said that a woman’s chastity is somehow more crucial than a man’s. Biology is now showing that both genders are equally licentious, in fact women have far more sexual capacity for pleasure than men. However while allowances and excuses have always been made for men to fully explore their libido before, during, inside and outside of marriage, women were required to exercise self-restraint, commitment, self-sacrifice, forgiveness and emotional strength. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise for now that we have achieved sexual liberation we are now far more empowered to strategically wield our sexuality than men are. Karma is a… you-know-what.
3. The expectation of automatic leadership simply by virtue of being born male has led to big egos with no substance to back it up. The truth is, respect is earned and leadership is not a Divine reward for having a penis. Leadership comes after you have self-searched, developed mind, body and spirit to acquire positive leadership qualities. You then use those qualities to uplift a household or community by humbly understanding you are first a servant, not the master of everyone else. In today’s ideal household, who gets to “lead” is expected to be fluid not predetermined. The leader is whoever is best at it at the task, in that particular time, in that situation, no matter the gender. So, if the husband is the better cook, his has the last word in the kitchen. If the wife is a financial wiz, her budget is law and in both cases, opinions are solicited and considered. This team-playing is what modern women expect. So if a man approaches her quoting the Apostle Paul (a man who never had a wife) or the koran with some kind of entitlement to special deference, he is going to be put in his place. Rightly so.
4. The false belief that boys are not as emotionally fragile as girls. Guess what? They are! They require just as much emotional nurturing, attention to developing their communication skills and learning how to be empathetic and socially adept.
Mr. Ramlogan’s advice to fathers to take an active interest in developing emotionally intelligence in their sons is not just for Indian men but all men. I am heartened that he did not fall into the trap other “male activists” have of whining about the loss of their comfort zone. That ship has sailed and re-oppressing women is not the answer.
The answer lies in understanding that your masculinity can never be taken away from you. How can it? It’s in your genes. However, it is the man-made self-definition of what it means to be a man that is evolving. You are very fortunate that now you get to actively participate in reshaping it. You can finally weed out the traditional socialisations that have proven to be unhealthy and keep those that are beneficial. If you ask me, you should be just as excited about this chance to grow just as we women were when we started questioning those same man-made definitions of our gender role. Just as many of us discovered, our inner-being and its potential transcend gender completely.
In this Bollywood adaptation of Jane Austen's Pride & Prejudice, the forward-thinking Indian beauty shuns her Indian suitor, who is presented as a buffoon and falls for the more modern Caucasian American man. It is subtle commentary to say the least.
As a past student of Naparima Girls’ High School, I saw with my own eyes the transformation of my Indian classmates when we later attended UWI together and went abroad on our academic and career adventures and were free from prying parental eyes while being offered a wider choice of men from up North, up the Caribbean islands and all over the world. They jumped whole heartedly into a brave new world so much so, Naps Girls started to get a reputation.
Anand is right, there is a growing chasm between the modern Indian woman and her Indian male counterparts, many of whom are still raised to think of and treat with their women like it was still 1950 and so, as he pointed out, they simply lack the skills to woo today’s savvy Indian woman.
As the ever world-wise black chic and mother hen, I was often the one being called on by my Indian girlfriends to buy birth control and cover for them to their parents while they were dating non-Indian men and venturing to night clubs and I offered shoulders to cry on over broken hearts and pregnancy scares. Their clueless parents were still expecting them to be virgins and marry nice Indian doctors, lawyers and businessmen. In fact, in my little circle of friends, which comprised of girls of all racial backgrounds, none of my Indian girlfriends ended up with Indian men or are still unmarried.
When you talk to them, they will tell you that the glaring difference in mentality and expectations is comparable to what I feel as a black woman when a Nigerian man aggressively and often obnoxiously approaches me with hopes of snagging a doting, submissive wife. In this respect Anand is right, there is a growing chasm between the modern Indian woman and her Indian male counterparts, many of whom are still raised to think of and treat with their women like it was still 1950 and so, as he pointed out, they simply lack the skills to woo today’s savvy Indian woman. While he points to hip hip and dancehall pop culture. I think the new age, intellectual, emotionally adept Indian women I know were more influenced by “Jane Austen, Oprah, Deepak Chopra and Joy of Sex” as far as their expectations of what a romantic partnership should be. It’s not that there aren’t Indian men who “get it” but some complain there are just too few to go around. Accomplished black women often make a similar complaint about available black men who can match their level.
It's not just Indian women who are looking outside their ethnicity. Indian men have been doing it for a long time, without so much fuss being made. Therein lies the double standard.
What I find a little off-putting about Anand's article is that it totally ignores that interracial relationships are also being pursued by savvy, world wise Indian men as well. Why this double standard of, 'Protect our Indian women' but our Indian men can do whatever they like.
It is already hard for women to find quality mates; being further restricted to searching only in your own ethnicity is really unfair especially when your ideal soul mate could actually be someone your parents may not have had in mind.
Here is a very objective stance on the subject. Honestly, there are advantages to dating in your own ethnic/cultural group. Chances are that my Indian sisters going for what they consider to be the more “modern” man outside of their ethnicity are going to be presented with either the same or a lesser version of the exact same problem she is trying to avoid. In fact, she may be worse off because the non-Indian man may actually be choosing an Indian woman because of a stereotype. He may have the false expectation she will be more submissive and acquiescing to his sexual and ego requirements than say a black or white woman. It is similar to what a black woman faces when white and Asian men assume that because she is black, she is a wild cat in the sack and will fall into the role of “Ever Loving Mama” who will carry their burdens for them.
Interracial relationships do come with their share of challenges.
In many respects, dating outside your ethnicity or culture can be like jumping from the frying pan into the fire when it comes to facing stereotypes and prejudices. However, that is about all I can see that is negative about it and as I type this, the world is changing. As the world gets smaller and people start to see each other more honestly we are beginning to actively challenge these stereotypes.
The willingness to cross cultures and ethnicities increases the more one travels, reads, learns and accomplishes. Which is why keeping people ignorant and insular is always part of segregationist governments. You see, with knowledge of the world and travel of the world, you develop a greater sense of individual identity in relation to the entire world and not just one tribe in your own hometown.
It is therefore unrealistic to expect that todays’ woman who is well read, well travelled and open to a range of experiences will limit intimate relationships by ethnicity, religion or culture. Those things may superficially help but do not guarantee lasting happiness and fulfillment in a relationship. It is already hard for women to find quality mates; being further restricted to searching only in your own ethnicity is really unfair especially when your ideal soul mate could actually be someone your parents may not have had in mind.
Mr. Ramlogan’s advice to fathers to take an active interest in developing emotionally intelligence in their sons is not just for Indian men but all men. I am heartened that he did not fall into the trap other “male activists” have of whining about the loss of their comfort zone. That ship has sailed and re-oppressing women is not the answer.
While I can understand Anand’s cultural and ethnic focus on Indian men, the issues he mentioned are part of a wider problem that is affecting all young men. Let’s face it, for generations we in the Caribbean have spoiled our men. There, I’ve said it! So, whether ethnicity is Chinese, Indian, Syrian, African, European or a mix of any, chances are, if that man is from the Caribbean, he has been handicapped by:
1. Overbearing mothers who substitute the relationship fulfillment they did not get from their emotionally retarded or absent husbands by overly codling her sons. These Goddesses of domestic martyrdom, easy forgiveness and indiscriminate ego-stroking without demanding responsibility, turn boys into a men who are useless emotional cripples with unfounded self-importance. These megalomaniacs in the making now expect the wife to take over where the Holy Mother left off, this time with “fringe benefits”. The role of maid, sycophant and sex slave is one the modern woman no longer wants, sorry.
"And after I am done the housework after coming home from my job, I will tend the kids, supervise their homework, whip you up a three course dinner and pleasure you any way you like till you fall asleep." Dream on guys!
2. Unfair and damaging sexual double standards which for centuries have said that a woman’s chastity is somehow more crucial than a man’s. Biology is now showing that both genders are equally licentious, in fact women have far more sexual capacity for pleasure than men. However while allowances and excuses have always been made for men to fully explore their libido before, during, inside and outside of marriage, women were required to exercise self-restraint, commitment, self-sacrifice, forgiveness and emotional strength. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise for now that we have achieved sexual liberation we are now far more empowered to strategically wield our sexuality than men are. Karma is a… you-know-what.
3. The expectation of automatic leadership simply by virtue of being born male has led to big egos with no substance to back it up. The truth is, respect is earned and leadership is not a Divine reward for having a penis. Leadership comes after you have self-searched, developed mind, body and spirit to acquire positive leadership qualities. You then use those qualities to uplift a household or community by humbly understanding you are first a servant, not the master of everyone else. In today’s ideal household, who gets to “lead” is expected to be fluid not predetermined. The leader is whoever is best at it at the task, in that particular time, in that situation, no matter the gender. So, if the husband is the better cook, his has the last word in the kitchen. If the wife is a financial wiz, her budget is law and in both cases, opinions are solicited and considered. This team-playing is what modern women expect. So if a man approaches her quoting the Apostle Paul (a man who never had a wife) or the koran with some kind of entitlement to special deference, he is going to be put in his place. Rightly so.
4. The false belief that boys are not as emotionally fragile as girls. Guess what? They are! They require just as much emotional nurturing, attention to developing their communication skills and learning how to be empathetic and socially adept.
Mr. Ramlogan’s advice to fathers to take an active interest in developing emotionally intelligence in their sons is not just for Indian men but all men. I am heartened that he did not fall into the trap other “male activists” have of whining about the loss of their comfort zone. That ship has sailed and re-oppressing women is not the answer.
The answer lies in understanding that your masculinity can never be taken away from you. How can it? It’s in your genes. However, it is the man-made self-definition of what it means to be a man that is evolving. You are very fortunate that now you get to actively participate in reshaping it. You can finally weed out the traditional socialisations that have proven to be unhealthy and keep those that are beneficial. If you ask me, you should be just as excited about this chance to grow just as we women were when we started questioning those same man-made definitions of our gender role. Just as many of us discovered, our inner-being and its potential transcend gender completely.
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